04/02/06

Tired. But for the first time today, other than when in the toilet, I have a little time to myself. My parents got here yesterday. By last night I was feeling vaguely angry at Gary, because something seems strange about him whenever my parents are here: he gets really passive, and somehow I end up feeling like I’m doing all the work. He went in to work Thurs, and worked very late. Then he got sick in the night last night, so stayed in bed today and again, like last week, I took up all the slack. Worse, it looks like Connor might be getting sick again, too. He’s been flirting with a fever all day, even though he wanted very much to go to the movie this afternoon, and also to dinner tonight. Gary didn’t go; we went to the Rock Creek Tavern not too far away from here and met his mom there. I can’t say this is very high-road of me, but I was glad that Gary insisted that we go without him; and I was glad that Connor insisted he wanted to go too, as opposed to rescheduling for another night. It just felt better to me to do it tonight, get it over with and not have to think about it for later in the week; also it was going to be shortened since tomorrow’s a school day for Connor. It seems a little less complicated to see her and Gary not be there. So now that’s done and I’m glad it’s over.

But I have a feeling Connor will be home again tomorrow. I’m just so tired of this staggered schedule of sickness in the family and me having to be the one who takes up the slack and feeling like the prolonged discomfort it’s causing me just isn’t seen. Gary did give me a hug tonight and said he was sorry, and suggested I stay up a while and take a little break. So it might not be fair to say he doesn’t get it. Truly, though, I’ve been pulling up slack for a long time. It’s a good thing I had that 55 hours that Gary and the boys were gone (it WOULD have been 72!) just a week ago because it ended up being a little island of sanity following a stretched period and now it proves to be it preceded a stretched period, too.

Mom asked me about Darlene today and how it was living close to her again. I said that I don’t seek her out; that I’d intended when I moved back here to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to form a friendship with her, but that I’d lost interest after Christmas of 2004 and so now just do the bare minimum needed to be polite.

Mom then wanted to talk about HER problems with HER in-laws—my Dad’s mom, and sister. Then there was a new twist on it; T apparently insulted her too. That was the first I’d heard of that, where she said that T “gave me a hard time” about “not doing anything”. She again told the story of how after she’d broken her arm and was in bad pain that F told her it “didn’t hurt”. She feels victimized by them, and hearing her story just after having told a bit of mine, I felt strange. Wondered if I was being just like her—that the ways she was getting into having been victimized, if I was doing the same thing.

04/03/06

Mom and Dad took Scott bowling, and then to his speech class. Connor woke me last night with a high fever, so he didn’t go to school. Scott is such a bundle of energy and if not channeled manifests as misbehavior.

Anyway, I’m in the thrall of familiar anxiety: how to use this remaining time before they get home with him.

First, I need to acknowledge that this is huge that they took him somewhere. I think I can forgive dishes piling up in the sink and crumbs on the counter, because this is REAL, substantial help, getting a preschooler out of my hair for a time. So, I would be wrong to say that their presence on this trip has been a drain on my energy.

Part of the way I spent this time was to finally get caught up and up-to-date on getting my computer diaries printed into hard copies. Although, this writing I’m doing now is rendering it no longer up-to-date! I think I have everything, and so the only thing left is to get the hard diaries that are handwritten scanned so I can then insert them into my computer pages—gee, I don’t know about printing them and interpolating them into the printed copies of these journals. It’s going to be enough of a project just to get them scanned and inserted. Still, I feel good about doing this to preserve what I’ve written.

Last night’s visit with Darlene at the Rock Creek Tavern went ok. I had a thought as I was drifting off to sleep last night that I was sure I’d remember, and now I can’t really. It had to do with being reasonably cordial in her presence, and then defaulting to aversion when we’re apart. Basically, it’s an imposed force, not natural forces of liking and attraction, that generate contact. Once the aversion feeling is overcome in order to do the right thing and see her, and we’re actually in contact, it goes ok.

There was something else, and I’m not sure where this came from, but it has to do with pulling back from a situation a bit in order to gain a broader understanding and not be mired in the details. Pulling back a bit, I can feel some compassion, of a sort, for Darlene about her not wanting Lew at her house. My intuition tells me that it’s not so much discomfort because they “bought the place together”, as she’s embarrassed at the piles of stuff that she could never motivate herself to clean up in time to have it look ok. My guess is she feels he will have judgment about it if he sees it as it is. Also, I think cooking for everyone would be a huge stress for her, since she doesn’t cook any more and is unable to organize herself to get stuff ready at a certain time so we’re usually waiting an hour after the time she’s asked us to arrive. I could have understood that, if in a heartfelt way she said, “Debora, I know this is putting you in a real bind, and that it’s really too much for you to have to do Christmas after moving 2400 miles with children, and then hosting Thanksgiving, but I just can’t face having Lew at my house and seeing how I’ve got stuff all over the place—and I just can’t face trying to get it cleaned up before Christmas. I hope you can forgive me, and I’m willing to do whatever I can to help you out.” She didn’t, and that’s been part of my issue with her, that she was unable to take that high ground and face me directly with her acknowledgment and even face me directly about defaulting on Christmas. And take responsibility for herself in that. That, and then that flash of anger at the dance recital when I told her that that wasn’t the place to discuss it. (I suppose that might constitute for her facing me about her backing out.) And then not following up on it and leaving it to me to bring it up to her. But I suppose I can pull back even from that—that the operative word is UNABLE. She’s one of those people who can’t admit to any wrongdoing in her behavior without feeling like a completely worthless human being. It’s too painful for her to acknowledge that something she did caused a lot of grief, or any grief, for somebody else. This is a character limitation of hers.

3/34/06

Wow, this is so cool. With our new scanner I can scan my old diaries and save them to the computer documents. That means I can integrate some of my hand-written notes with the computer journal. I started that last night. It’s sort of cumbersome, and it makes me wonder if it might be possible to streamline it a little. Still, it gives me capability that I only imagined happening. Sometimes I do like the feel of writing by hand. In a little book.

I’ve been thinking some more about anxiety, and a conversation with Marsha this morning reminded me of some writing I’d done about that in the last few weeks. About a certain base level of anxiety, tension, potential that exists inside people, and that often our society deals with it by covertly agreeing to an agenda of: ‘don’t raise my anxiety level and I won’t do anything to raise yours.” And that is why most people take it as a threat if you are emotionally honest with them. And feel threatened, even if you assure them that no threat is meant. I think this base level of anxiety that some people tolerate better than others is responsible for the phenomenon of mob action—and that it’s relatively easy to set off and then god help you if you happen to be in its path—because you will be obliterated, even though it’s not rational, you had nothing to do with whatever started it.

Gary’s taking Connor over to a school friend/basketball teammate’s house to play some basketball. I’m hoping he’ll take Scott. Just got the good word. He’s not.

I think that Bush declaring war was a huge mistake, after 911. I think he should have concentrated on striking back at Afghanistan, who harbored terrorists (although, I guess I don’t know to what extent. I don’t know if the 19 hijackers had anything to do with Afghanistan, though –I think the main Afghan connection was that of the Taliban with Osama BinLaden. I don’t think it was necessary to declare war. They were ABLE to get through our defenses because our defenses were flimsy, and plagued by miscommunication. It seems like the bulk of our resources should be on plugging those leaks. It was those leaks that ENABLED the terrorists. They would have been caught, and the plans foiled, if EXISTING mechanisms had been working the way they should have. Declaring war enabled a seizure of power, and a scared American public has allowed it. If the existing mechanisms had been functioning as they should, and communication had flowed like it should have, chances are that they would not have succeeded. So there isn’t a need to wiretap Americans’ phones without a warrant, or give the government increased authority to get into our private lives.

3/26/06

Awwww, fuck. I’m at a teashop hoping to take advantage of their wireless to access the internet and have some peace here to do some checking up on the news and relax a bit. Seems I’m screwed in that, though; because though I’m connected, I’m getting “unable to locate server” messages and not able to get to a web page. And the help pages are opening painfully slowly. So I may not meet that desire, and after a big disappointment already today. I’m here because Gary and the boys are home, when they were supposed to be gone to Seattle, leaving after the birthday party Scott went to. Gary woke not feeling well. I felt a sick feeling, that they might not leave today, and got breakfast ready for Cheri coming over this morning. It was an extremely difficult morning, even before she got to our place. (Aw, I’m so glad! I was able to find a way to make a connection, successfully after some searching. I’ve got some time; maybe I’ll whine later.)

Ok, got the news in and feel a bit more caught up.

I’m a little torn, because I’m still here at the tea shop, and I know that Gary wants me home to put the boys to bed so he can work on the taxes. I know that to his thinking I’m being very selfish—that he’s sick and that I should be more of a grown-up about this set-back. Really, I was just crushed when I walked into the house after walking with Cheri to find him on the phone to his dad saying, “we’ll see you tomorrow.” I started crying…I was counting on being alone in the house tonight; bummed because of the knowledge that his not leaving tonight shortens by many hours the amount of time I’ll have to myself. And so I took the boys to the movies, as I’d planned, and I took them to a birthday party of one of Scott’s classmates, so he was alone at home from 11:45 to 5:00. Got home with the boys and pretty much turned them over to him; found a place with free internet and left shortly after. He said, “I’m not putting the boys to bed. I need you here.” And I said, “What would you have done if you’d left tonight? I’m leaving.”

I’d been living for the moment that they’d leave. It’s just been a very difficult period, with kids home either sick or holidays, and Gary working very late every night. Scott in an especially whiny period, like this morning when Cheri was there, and Gary just sitting there and me handling all of it. As I’d handled everything while he rested in the bedroom and I was pulled in a number of directions at once as I fixed breakfast (making lots of mistakes), and Connor needed me to pay attention to him while Scott was so demanding and needed constant intervention from me. I was feeling positively harried, just more of the same after a difficult last week, and difficult week before and so on ad infinitum.

Still, my sense of entitlement is shaky, especially since I know he’s probably feeling very righteous that I should have stepped up to this since he really couldn’t avoid getting sick. And I’m aware too that doing this is probably eroding any good will that might incline him to stay a little longer away since they’re not leaving til tomorrow; and also to leave EARLY tomorrow.

Still, it’s a measure of how frazzled I feel that in the face of that I just don’t have the resilience to absorb this—I feel the equivalent of having held my breath for a minute (60 seconds, a very long time to hold your breath), and just waiting for a sweet inhale and being told that I have to wait another 30 seconds. I don’t think he gets it that I’m truly at the end of my…what…but that after being denied so much time all this last week to be denied again and expected to be a good sport about it is too much for me. So there’s a way that it seems right to dump the thing in his lap—let him deal with deciding what to have for dinner and being the one-man show in fixing it…let him juggle the kids’ needs while he does it, and have to keep Scott from getting into his stuff while he’s doing it, and mediate their fights while he’s doing it, and doing it while not feeling well (I do it). Let him be the whole show in getting them to bed, with the tooth-brushing and trying to get himself ready while Scott bubbles over with energy and annoys Connor who then acts angrily in return and that’s gasoline on the flame, because Connor doesn’t have the perspective yet to figure out that he needs to not take the bait with Scott. And he has less effective skills than I do, so my hope is that he’ll have a chance to see just how difficult this is. I’m just hoping that these few days without me will help him to feel stretched to the point of insanity many times and that he’s getting a taste of it now. I guess what I’m REALLY hoping is that his experience is difficult and that he gains an appreciation of what it really means and costs me personally to be home with them at this particular stage in their lives—that he’ll be more understanding and more supportive. I just want him to see how depleting this all is and realize that he shouldn’t add to it. I just think he’s oblivious to what this takes. And I think consciously, or unconsciously, he believes it’s my job to do the things that he “doesn’t feel like” doing. I want him to see that this costs something. It’s very difficult to me to be expected to do something like it’s effortless for me. With no appreciation or understanding of just what’s being expected. He expects me to do the things he doesn’t feel like doing.

Anyway, so my leaving was to be able to have a bit of what I’d been expecting tonight. I’d rather have it in my own house with a beer, but this is a nice atmosphere in this teahouse, and so I substituted tea instead.

I spent a week with children sick at home, and then the weekend was more of the same—pretty much solo child care. Gary did take Connor to play basketball at a friends’ yesterday, but that left me with the more demanding child. Then he had most of the day alone at home today while I took the two of them. So, I’ve had it.

Well, it’s after 9:30, so I think maybe I will leave.

3/22/06

The streak continues. I sent both boys to school this morning and I probably shouldn’t have sent Connor…I definitely get a bad mother award. I so wanted the time to myself that I took the fact that he was fever-free and feeling well as him being good to go…but I did have a funny feeling about the way he looked around the eyes.

So I went and got him at school, and I’m ashamed to say that I feel my heart sinking inside knowing I’ve missed another 5 hour stretch of time to myself today, and most likely tomorrow. That feels selfish of me.

Later

Much later, it’s 11p.m. It’s upsetting how quickly I bottom out on kids. It’s not even like Connor was really that much trouble, today. It’s just that he wanted to talk about stuff on the Discovery channel, right as I was wanting to read some stuff. Still, it’s not good that I’m so begrudging of what they ask from me. Especially when they’re sick.

Scott’s been behaving so obnoxiously. But I shouldn’t be surprised; he’s doing it for attention. I’m not giving him enough positive attention so he seeks negative. If I were a better mother I’d be able to set aside everything and play with them, not feel reluctant about taking them places like the zoo; I’d be more adventurous about seeking out interesting and educational venues, I’d involve them in projects. I feel badly about how much and how often I want them to leave me alone, especially knowing that these are special years, especially Scott, when I have him at home. I hate knowing that these may be some of their better, more uncomplicated years, and I experience so much of it as a demand. It’s just too bad that so much of these years of their childhood I experience as depleting. It feels like I’m wasting them, these years I mean.

And it’s true that I begrudged today, and I’m probably going to need to keep him home tomorrow. I feel like I really needed to have this week solidly under my belt—be able to fully experience it, since I didn’t get it last week and haven’t for it seems like months. Gary will be taking the boys up to see his dad on Sunday and be gone for a few days; maybe that will help to make up for some of these last few weeks, but then my parents are going to come on April 1. And, sadly, I usually feel depleted by them, too. They leave on the 5th, Wed, and that will leave me with Scott for Thurs and Fri. Maybe afterward though I’ll get a few unbroken weeks of time where the kids are in school when they should be.

Scott had me up about 2 a.m. last night to get him some medication and then Connor came in about 4:45 and needed medication and attention.

He was so appreciative of me after I picked him up at school; kept saying that I was a good mother, and telling me what he likes about my mothering and telling me that he loves me. It makes me feel more ashamed of my selfishness.

03/24/06

A few minutes to write before going to pick up Scott. I should take Connor’s temperature, too; kept him home today.

I just listen to a week-old discussion on Dianne Rehm; the topic was strategy in Iraq.

They made a very persuasive argument about not precipitously withdrawing American troops. I’m leaning toward thinking that it was immoral for us to invade, horrible what is happening as a result, but it may be more immoral for us to pull out quickly. They made a persuasive case for how much depends on this government that is trying to form, but can’t come to any agreements even on who is to be prime minister—how a successful government is really the best hope for avoiding horrible alternatives. And really, how important to the interest of stability in the world economy this region, and the outcome of this invasion is.

People say that the prime reason cited for keeping the U.S. forces in right now, to prevent civil war, is not valid since there already IS a civil war going on and the presence of U.S. forces is doing nothing to prevent it—in fact, they’re trying to stay out of it. They’re certainly in a world of harm’s way, if all-out civil war broke out in a conflagration, went up like a roman candle that our troops are sitting right on top of. The men interviewed today, who included Wesley Clark, the general who had a run for the presidency in 2000 were in consensus that what fragile stability is there is completely due to the presence of US forces. A lot at stake.

3:15

Went and got Scott, with Connor, and then watched a lousy movie with them. Very predictable, clichéd story line. Still, I felt I should watch it with them; Connor really wanted to have a family movie.

I said it, right? That I kept Connor home again today; took him to the dr. to rule out strep. The cough persists, but he seems to be getting better and better.

I can see, with Connor 8, that things will get easier with 2 boys, once Scott’s a little older. It’s been a long time of hard, though.

I’m listening to a news segment about the “dirty wars” in Argentina: this is the 30 year anniversary since there was a military coup—30,000 people ‘disappeared’ and tortured, and killed. I wonder how many of those are still missing or dead. Question answered. 30,000 dead, in the seven years of military rule.