10/20/05

I’ve run into several dead-ends today that I’ve finally thrown in the towel on. I’m reminded of that physics law that says that objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Maybe it could be called “The Dog With the Bone” Law. Once I invest in a project, it’s hard to stop until I have success. That’s kept me hanging in way too long, in the past; but it’s also kept me hanging in til a problem was solved.

So I ran into a dead end trying to get the router set up so that I can access the internet with the laptop from elsewhere in the house. The range is miniscule, not 20 feet. I’ve done all the suggested stuff, changed the channel of broadcast, took the phone away, moved the router, best as I could, away from metal.

10/21/05—would have been my grandmother’s 92nd BD.

Rick, the builder, wrought a miracle yesterday, in that he came in the afternoon; got the infrastructure ready, and cut a hole in the roof over the kitchen and placed the skylight. Wow, it is so cool to have natural light in the kitchen, and a really pretty light is coming into the house right now. I think I’m really going to like this house.

This is about the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long that I’ve had some spare time without a million things required to do to fill it. Though this isn’t entirely a free hour, because I’m expecting that Rick will be here any time. So it’s not like I can really relax into the arms of silence, because it might be broken at any minute.

10/24/05

Roger is here working on the deck, so I didn’t get the alone time I’d thought I might have.

Sigh. Last night’s party for the old neighborhood didn’t ring as nicely as I’d have liked. Maybe it was a bit weird to have x and his wife here together. Maybe it was because there were some weird kid dynamics. Maybe it’s because Gary and I had another lousy interaction before everyone got here (I went to the store to get some ice and soda for the party, Connor and Scott had a conflict that Gary was angry at Connor for, and because he was angry with Connor he behaved as if he was angry with me.). (I think that Connor reminds Gary of me, and so when he and Connor have a problem he blames it on me. One time he and Connor had a tussle about something, and I took Connor to the bedroom to cool off; when Gary came in he said, with as much focused anger as I’d ever heard in his voice, “It’s YOU”. So if Connor misbehaves, or Gary and Connor have a conflict, he treats me as if it’s my fault. He doesn’t appear to examine the seeds of the conflict in his own behavior toward Connor which often exacerbates a potentially tense situation.)

So I have some musings about the party and some about Gary and me.

I’ve not had much desire for food, and I suppose it’s because there may be some appetite suppressant as well as libido-enhancer in that Wellbutrin. Consequently I’ve lost weight, which has been fine with me, since I’d put on some unwanted pounds in the past 2 years. So I’ve been feeling more confident in my clothes since they fit me better and I wear them better. So I wore something last night that I felt slim and attractive in, blue jeans and denim-colored shirt.

A couple things from last night: X sat down by the fireplace, which is across from the loveseat that his wife was sitting on. Someone remarked about him not sitting next to his wife, and he said, “I’d rather look at her.” She made a wry face at him and we all joked a bit about it. She is very pretty, with beautiful skin.

Downstairs, helping clean up, someone asked me about the mardi-gras beads we have, what I’d done to get them. I don’t know if this was a double-entendre thing to say, but I said it anyway: “I didn’t bare my breasts”. We laughed and I said, “A ten cent strand of beads—I don’t come cheap!” There was some talk about that practice at mardigras, and x said: “You know when you get to a certain age they probably throw beads at people to keep their clothes ON.” Well, I doubt if he meant it the way it sounded, but coming on the heels of the remark about not baring my breasts it did sound a bit like he meant me. So in addition to the evening feeling a little off anyway, there was that. Upon leaving and saying goodbye to his wife at the door I said, “Come visit us” and she said something like “We should. You come visit x.” That felt a little strange, too. She said something about him visiting during the day, that is, other people coming over. I didn’t hear her very well—I THINK that’s what she said. I responded that I’m often in the neighborhood after dropping Scott and so I drop by.

So I’m in a sort of contradictory position about wondering if she feels it’s strange or inappropriate that I stop by (the threat mode) and feeling that I’m probably flattering myself if I think threat mode, because I’m really more in the crone mode. This as a result of what x said about people being “paid” to keep their clothes on.

So I felt kind of sad and let down after the party. I think in part because I’m pretty sure I want an affair, and the prospects seem more distant now.

My musings about Gary and what I thought about over the past week:

The preamble is that I wonder if writing them down is a way of further widening the gulf between us, and maybe providing myself rationale to stray. Like it’s dishonest of me, and I should be looking to heal this relationship. I’m done, I’m done with initiating counseling. My perception of him is that he will NOT take action when something is wrong, and that until an issue is urgent enough for him to INITIATE action, that going to counseling is an exercise in futility. Going to counseling on my initiative, as it’s always been, is just a masquerade that makes it SEEM as if action is being taken, but it’s not. The deal is, he is not seeing our situation for what it is. He is persisting in ignoring, and adapting himself to the continued shrinking circle of our relationship. It’s getting smaller and smaller and instead of seeing the need, he just closes his eyes and makes himself happy with what he has. And part of what he has is the satisfaction of winning with his little passive aggressive barbs and getting to be “right”. I really think that it’s about winning for him, and he doesn’t see how defeating that is to what’s left of “us”. If I were to not complain about anything, or point out anything that’s “wrong” and not respond to his barbs we’d probably have a ghost of a chance, but I’m not willing to absorb that.

Odd, I’d sat at the fireplace, and moved over to make room for x who came in behind me, and then Gary came over and interposed himself BETWEEN us. It seems it might have been more natural for him to sit on the right of me so that I’d be the one in the middle; there was room…I wonder then if he “knows” about my attraction to x, or if that was just coincidental. It seems like that may have been what initiated the comment about him not sitting on the loveseat with his wife.

Got to go get Scott; fill the tank up with gas.

Later:

From a message to Valerie:

I’ve been thinking about something about Gary and me. A few times when we were getting along a little bit better than others and that invites the thought that maybe things could get better, and my first thought after was to feel reluctance because that would mean not having an affair! That’s sort of a switch. The thing is, I have an intuition that things aren’t going to get any better with Gary since they haven’t in nearly 14 years of marriage. We just don’t have the basis of trust, friendship, and communication that would be required to get through the sexual issues (of me feeling repelled by him, actually, and the way he approaches and touches me when he wants sex—it’s come to where it’s really more comfortable for me now for him to not initiate because I just don’t have that current for him.) He is not capable of the kind of talk and trust it would take for us to be able to bridge this gap—and I think it’s because he won’t look at the reality of how really bad it is between us. When sex shrunk to non-existence, he merely adapted himself to being content without sex—it was easier to do that than to deal with it, directly, with me. I feel that initiative is key—like the alcoholic who will never get better until he really sees what he’s doing and acknowledges just how bad things are. The counseling we’ve had—many times over the years—has always been initiated by me. I’m the only one who’s seen how bad it is, and took steps to do something about it and he’s gone along for the ride. But it’s not enough that he’s receptive…he needs to see for himself how bad this is, and take the first step to righting how wrong things have gotten. There are certain things I just can’t do for the both of us—it has to come from him. But, his tendency is to instead retreat to his own little world and be happy living without the things he could have. In this context, an affair is a win for me just about either way it falls: chances are I wouldn’t be caught by him because he would do his best to not know. So I can have an affair (or more) without fear of interference. If somehow I did get caught and it was shoved under his nose, I think it would be pretty graphic evidence for him that it’s not working to retreat to his dream world where everything is fine and nothing needs to be dealt with. I’m not looking for an affair though as strictly a lesson for him: I want it for me. I’ve farmed out my emotional needs to my girlfriends, and I’m going to farm out my physical needs too. And, at my age I have a much better handle on it, I think, than when I was younger and single and had sex confused with love. (And got hurt repeatedly as a result.) I’m not looking for love. I have no problem now with a strictly physical connection, though I’m going to have to like the guy and feel attracted to him.

One more weird thing that happened at the party and I’ll quit belaboring this. I had sat down on the edge of the fireplace, and I was talking to his wife who was seated across from me, in a love seat. X came into the room from my left and sat down at the fireplace, too, and I scooted over to make room for him. Then Gary came into the room and walked over and placed himself between us…which seemed a little weird. Ann said something about wouldn’t he like to sit with his wife and he said, “I’d rather look at her.” It seemed like a really nice thing to say, and even though I have an obvious conflict of interest I joined with the others in saying, “Awwwwww”. She, however, made a very wry face at him, like she thought he wasn’t sincere. Ann teased her about that and said, “Don’t you watch Oprah? Just say ‘thank you’ when someone gives you a compliment and leave it at that!” X said, “I do mean it, but she dismisses it.” It’s my curse, I guess, to be sensitive to undercurrents, but since they’re undercurrents, by definition I never get to know for sure if they’re real, or if they’re only fabrications from my own head.

I liked the clarity of my language as I wrote to her, so I thought I’d paste it in here, too.

10/10/05

Today finds me feeling much more satisfied. I stopped by today and this time he invited me in for coffee and we spent quite a lot of the morning just talking about books and science. It was really nice, just a pleasure. And it felt easy, without me feeling worried or self-conscious about some of the sexual stuff. In fact, there didn’t seem to be any sexual tension at all, and it was nice. And it makes it seem hopeful for continuing friendship with him. I really do like being with him. I asked if dropping by was ok, just as I was leaving, and he seemed surprised that I’d ask, and that it was a foregone conclusion that it was more than fine. So I just felt buoyed and…satisfied the rest of the day. It felt good to have such a solidly good interaction. And it’s kind of nice to feel a bit freed from any sexual urgency. More comfortable.

Gary’s mom’s coming over for dinner Thurs, because it’s her birthday. It’s sort of a cloud over the week to have that pending, but then I leave the next day to go to the beach for book reading group retreat. So that’s something to get me through Thurs. Then hopefully won’t have to see her for a while. Though she said something about going for lunch. I hope she doesn’t bring it up again because I think it’ll be awkward if I fend her off again, but I really don’t want to go just because I don’t know how to graciously and without rousing suspicion say no.

10/13/05

I’m feeling a little low today. I don’t know if it’s coming-to-a-sudden-halt in all this activity low, or what. I suppose part of it is knowing that Darlene’s coming over tonight. I keep telling myself it won’t be so bad. Chances are it won’t.

I think it’s maybe slowing down enough to realize how sad I am that Gary and I can’t make a happy home for our kids to grow up in, and that probably the best we can do is to treat each other reasonably well in front of the kids. I wish they could have modeled for them a really loving relationship, though. There’s a shadow of sadness following me today, where I don’t feel like I’m parenting Scott adequately. It’s been less than 2 weeks since we moved in. It’s been insane trying to get moved in, with workers around and the inconveniences that come with living in a construction zone. I’ve not had a lot of patience with Scott and his 4 year old ways. I’ve been leaving him to eat alone while I go accomplish a few more unpacking chores. It makes me feel tearful to think of him eating alone.

Conrad doesn’t have school tomorrow and it looks like x might bring the kids and come up. That was my surprise this morning. I wasn’t expecting his kids would be off tomorrow too, like Conrad, and I didn’t even really expect to hear back from him since recent experience has told me that he doesn’t answer e-mail very often.

I’m feeling a bit torn between sitting with my sadness and doing some things that need to be done if I’m going to be going to the beach tomorrow evening. I need to get some clothes washed ahead—maybe Gary can do it this time. Tomorrow is the start of the book group weekend where we choose our books for next year. I’m sliding on the dinner preparation, and skidding by on the book selection process too. They’re being kind to me, and I hope it’s understood that I just can’t add much else to my plate.

There is some sort of sorrow that is epitomized for me, and a trigger of sadness, in the image of someone eating all alone. It seems they must be lonely, and using the food sensation to comfort themselves with. I don’t know why that feeling would be shrunk so tightly to that image.

Some troubling thoughts were triggered last week when I was listening to a KBOO broadcast, and someone who is a teacher, I think, in the Nonviolent Communication Project, was being interviewed. It was very interesting, and the little I heard was enlightening. It was about using language patterns as a way to build connection, and recognizes that a lot of ordinary language useage sows seeds of conflict. And the two people that I have the most uncomfortable conflicts with right now are Gary and his mom, and I find that I really DON’T want to understand them, and build connection with. I think this realization might be part of the reason I’m feeling sad today. Funny, I can’t say I’ve felt sad like this for a long time. Angry, yes. Irritated, yes. Busy and overwhelmed, yes. Harried and fragmented, yes. Pulled too many directions at once, yes. Stimulated and a little high (on account of the combined dose of the Wellbutrin), yes.

The libido thing seems to have waned a bit. My guess is that we’re beginning to approach the end of this moving process that’s been going on for a year now, and what I’m experiencing is the let-down. That would make sense. It may also be something like last year at this time when I began to feel very depressed. I just think I did too much and so got depressed. It’s been such a big push to get in here to this place, and now we’re on the verge of that big push being over and it’s hard to fathom not living with that big push anymore. I suppose doing too much can kick off a depression. Perhaps what did it last year was having done too much, but it was unacknowledged and in fact people expected me to do more. I felt unsupported in every way last year, by Gary and by my parents. I think that may have been the crux of it. Now I’m thinking that probably I never will feel supported by Gary, because he keeps doing passive-aggressive stuff and isn’t honest about what he’s mad about. So the things that alienate me from him will continue to happen.