12/1/05

Awwwwww. No visit today—it’s after noon so I can be pretty sure he won’t be stopping by today. From what I’ve seen of him time gets away from him and he could easily have run out of time. And it’s ok, he doesn’t owe me anything. I have no claims on him. And besides, what really matters the most to me is that he expressed the intention to come by. He’s not done that in a long time; and even then it wasn’t something he initiated, really.

So interesting, the very different experience with him and away from him. It’s a good thing, to not be feeling at all libidinous, except in an occasional, fleeting “what if” kind of way, in his presence. But the energy of our interactions is very different from anything libidinous. There isn’t a sexual tension between us when we’re in each other’s company. That is, not from me, and I don’t detect anything from him either. Away, at home, I do let my imagination run wild.

Again, I’m not really sure these body feelings are really trustworthy. Just some middle-aged urgency.

Still, yesterday while waiting for the boys at the dentist’s office I looked at a magazine with the top 10 finalists of over-40 models. I don’t know if these were professional models, or just “regular women” who were in some sort of competition. These were very. beautiful. women. Wow. These are certainly women who are not out of the league of woman-as-threat. It gives me some hope for me. Maybe I can also glow with sexual energy that eclipses the lines in my face. And aging skin.

A little later:

It’s almost 1:00. I wonder how long it will be before I quit looking at this time to myself as sands slipping so quickly through the hourglass. It’s laughable, but true, that the dismay about the time slipping away nearly obscures my pleasure in having the house to myself. It’s so silly.

It’s good to have this time to just be home, even with no agenda—some empty time. It doesn’t bore me at all. If anything I feel a little anxious about some of the things I want to do, and how to fit them into the time I have left.

I want to articulate a background feeling, almost like a force of nature, that dominates my awareness. It’s a warmth of feeling and a pleasure in my own company. A lot of the daydreams I have are about warming that pleasure inside me. I feel its presence in those daydreams. I suppose that’s why daydreams about x are so compelling and are so enjoyable. Mainly because it brings awareness of that place inside—heightened awareness that feels nice. Where I feel just plain good about myself. I feel inside me as I write that a type of shame and desire to disown the fact of my feeling that way. Like it’s a shameful thing to be deriving pleasure of that sort (really, I guess it’s…happiness) of daydreaming. And seeing myself in situations where I’m at home and articulating well some of my thoughts and having them well-received—those dreams give me pleasure.

I guess it’s experiencing my “best self”, liking it, and being with others who like it.

I think a great deal of this conversation I’ve been having with myself about the reawakened sexuality that’s coincident with x is about defining for myself what kind of affair feels “moral”. I don’t have much moral imperative against my desire to seek outside affairs. I don’t really have a problem with that. But what I’ve been working out is what’s NOT ok. And I know for a fact that I don’t want to be someone’s “sin”, or downfall, or anything ruinous. I want whoever has sex with me to be someone who is free to choose to have sex, without becoming a betrayer. I don’t want to be a party to someone’s betrayal. So those are the standards I set for myself. And so that means x is absolutely off limits, for my own honor as well as for the sake of that married relationship. (Again, assuming/presuming any mutuality on his part)

I don’t know that I’d say that the pleasure I have in his company is my only pleasure. I have felt that way before, like when I was anticipating moving away from the neighborhood—that was part of what made for an anxious and uncomfortable frame of mind—the idea that I was getting my only pleasure from company with him. I think though his company IS a pleasure in my life—it is not the sole pleasure. I do feel a sense of self inside, and it seems some happiness can be emanating from it. My guess is that’s the “relationship with self” that Dr. Wright talked about at our last meeting. We’d acknowledged that depression in my case was somewhat of an artifact of my current life situation: (that’s when I’d said, “Yes, my primary relationship”—meaning with Gary—“is not working well.” That’s when she said, “Your primary relationship is with your SELF.” I would acknowledge that’s true…however I was thinking of my relationships with OTHER PEOPLE when I designated Gary as “my most important relationship”. That is, I was selecting from the category of “relationships with other people” when I said the one with Gary was primary—and considering my relationship with Self in a different category.)

So this Self that I’m in particularly tangible contact with right now at this moment—what relationship does it have to my daydreams where I can see myself in my best light and enjoy that. Is it the same to be picturing myself as younger-looking, and (probably smarter) as developing my relationship with my inner self. Yeah, it’s like having located something physical inside and nearly feeling it as a physical presence.

OK, I’ve been wanting to try to make some more headway on this book.

Later—had to go and get Scott. I’m really, really grateful that this morning’s snow falling didn’t mean school closure. It was good to have that time. Very good.

10/01/05

Still waiting to hear how bad it is, but it looks possible that it’s not as dire as it could be.

I’m circling in my mind and so I might as well take a look at where the path is going. I think what happens is that x is someone that I click with—which means that conversations are pretty effortless and we laugh at each other’s jokes. Step 2…I’m feeling more activated and x and I obviously like each other, it’s easy to mash those feelings into the activated feeling. And interpret it as sexual. So I have been indulging this with ‘impure thoughts’. I think I should add in the factor that I’m aware that the most natural course of this is for it to end, since we’re no longer neighbors and no longer run into each other as a matter of course. That means, it would be unnatural, most likely, for us to see each other, because it would mean making an effort, and that’s beyond the expected, and there’s not really any way that it couldn’t be weird. So I’m feeling a little sad about this. I think those feelings are probably at work too, and maybe even driving the libido stuff. I think I may have lost a bit of control over the impure thoughts stuff…I think my original feeling was to just enjoy the…potential…sort of play with it. That was possible as neighbors. (Again, assuming that any of this is mutual with him, but it seems like he sparkles a bit with me, too. It seems like he likes me.) Oh, there was something else about losing control over the impure thoughts, and that that seems to fuel a desire to see him and feel kind of jittery at the possibility. It’s not terribly comfortable. It has the added affect of creating a sort of courtship vibe which of course is completely out of step with reality (kind of like when my sister finally died and we were gathered for her funeral and all the women in one room dressing together—there was an almost festive vibe in it, because it so resembled getting ready for a celebration, like a wedding.).

Because there’s really nothing to be done with this. That’s kind of difficult for me.

And there’s always the nagging fear that I’m such a fool that I’ve created this whole “drama” and blown it up out of proportion out of a kind of vanity…and out of a bankrupt soul that’s bored and so looking to get into trouble.

So anyway, the cycle is that I’m sad about not seeing x as a normal course anymore, and that sadness starts to feel like longing and that fuels impure thoughts that don’t go anywhere anyway because I sure could never imagine a way possible to act on them, since the image of his wife lurks behind. (I also cannot imagine a way that we could act on them without him turning into a jerk.) I in turn try to think of ways that we CAN see each other and feel a little anxious about it. As time passes I feel activated, and then that feeling is associated with him. And that seems to restart the whole cycle, ending with the feeling of impossibility because of his wife. And his love for his wife. (In slips the thought about the loophole, that he and her have an “arrangement” where other partners are ok).

It’s kind of muddled, and then I feel back where I started. In a weird cycle. My fantasies range from just us talking about and acknowledging that there’s some current between us all the way into intimacy with him. Kissing him in a sexual way to me would feel like as much of an infidelity as I think actual sexual intercourse would be.

What may be likely is that I have some current toward him and he has it too. We’ve been able to seek it out in harmless ways as neighbors. Either he’s conscious of having this thing with me, or he’s not. I think a lot of guys would put something like this out of their minds.

I guess the cycles I keep experiencing is just me trying to work out a way that we could still see each other normally, given the change in our living situation. So I can keep experiencing the pleasure it gives me when we talk. And it just doesn’t seem that there’s a normal way, and that means just letting it go, and I feel sad about that.

I think it’s possible that he’s just a convenient guy to associate with these feelings. It’s sort of embarrassing to have made this much of it.

I still do think, though, that an affair is on the table now, as far as Gary and I. It was completely non-negotiable, off the table, up til just recently.

Later

Feeling darker. I was making salsa, after starting a load of wash and after grocery shopping and putting everything away. Gary came in asking if I’d heard him honking. I told him I had not. He said, “I needed you to move the Subaru”. I’d parked it up on the driveway to make it easier to bring groceries in to the front door; I’d intended to back it down further to give Gary more room and I’d forgotten. I went back to work on the salsa, because it seemed that since he’d put it in past tense, “needed”, that he’d already taken care of it. I did wonder a little, though. He came in and it was clear by his manner that it wasn’t “need-ed”, but “NEED”. I said, “If you’d just said when you came in the house, ‘I need you to come and move the Subaru (please)’ I’d have been out the door and had it moved by now.”

I’m very angry that this continues to be a pattern; that he gives me ambiguous or unclear requests and expects me to do them. Why can’t he just ask directly for what he wants? I feel filled with a dark dislike of him. It really seems like a hostile thing to do and I told him that I feel I just can’t win with him. This morning I went to a website for our new HELOC, entered the user name that I’d found in the e-mail, and asked him for the password. He gave me THE WRONG ONE. I told him that it wasn’t letting me in and he gave me another one, also wrong. Then he’s angry with ME, and HE’S THE ONE GIVING ME THE FUCKING WRONG PASSWORD! He said, “You’re bugging me.” I said, “you know what, if it’s not a good time, you can say, ‘Let me finish what I’m doing here because I’m not in a good place to quit just now; I’ll help you after I’m done.’ “ But again, the real feeling of being socked. People do that to people they feel really hostile toward, just like that “DUH” thing he did last week—when I was busy helping him with things he’d SAID HE WAS GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR.

Then I tell myself that this just takes me closer to my affair. I’m not happy in this relationship, but it’s not feasible to divorce him. So I am going to do what it takes to make ME happy, so I can tolerate continuing to be married to him.

I’ve pretty much given up on this relationship. It’s like sex at the beginning of it, when I cared very much that sex wasn’t working with us. Then I quit caring after a lot of years. Now I quit caring about “us” except as far as affects the boys. I don’t love him any more, I don’t even like him, and I don’t think he loves me any more either. He certainly demonstrates that in his actions, which aren’t even really respectful any more. He’s consistently been absent when it comes to dealing with this stuff, it’s piled up and now I’ve worn myself out on it, and him.

9/27/05

The house is supposed to record today, the deed, that is, and then it is officially no longer ours (I keep thinking of it as mine). We should be called to be told; and unless we hear anything to the contrary it should be done by 5:00.

I was over there yesterday to meet the carpet guys. Then X came out to meet me from his house. They were going to go on a job, but he lingered some, talking with me. To my delight he responded with gladness to my suggestion that he come up to the house. He even said something about this week. So, for good or bad, there was some nice validation that maybe he enjoys my company like I do his.

I kept reminding myself that my thoughts and fantasies, pure, or not, are my business, and it’s also my business to keep them separate from my behavior. The uneasy part is wondering if sometimes, unconsciously to me, my behavior may be being shaped by them.

Because I suppose that the really ethical thing to do would be to stay far away from him, knowing that I am attracted to him, and it’s possible it’s a little mutual. I guess a consideration is if I can be content with the glow that comes from that attraction, mutual or not, without expecting anything further.

9/28/05

Alone in the house, which is kind of nice, except I’m not supposed to be alone in the house. Rick {our builder} was to have gotten here at 7—that’s what he said his plan is. And now it’s after 10. Various scenarios in my head interrupted my writing at this point.

I stopped by to drop off a book. I didn’t feel very whole within myself—just kind of scattered. But then today is the first day I haven’t needed to go over to the other house to either clean, or carry something back. So it makes sense that I’d be kind of jittery just with the pace of the last several months, and the effort this move has taken. I’m really not planning on moving again.

Maybe that’s part of the source of this heightened sexual feeling. Besides the medication…I think it has an effect too. Perhaps the way it stimulates I interpret as sexual.

He didn’t ask me to stay or offer me coffee and that’s fine…I was dropping by and I’m sure he had things to do. But he did say that he would return it directly to me, at my house. Now the book drop of the library is within a few blocks of his home. Maybe he just didn’t think of that. I suppose that if he were to call and say, “D-u-uh, I forgot all about the book drop. I’ll just use that!” then I’d know that most of this sigh, ‘fuss’ has all been silliness on my part, totally one-sided.

But the point is, I suppose what’s hanging me in there, is to warm myself by this glow that I feel, and to fantasize about that glow. But I don’t think I’d be a good “Other Woman” because even in my fantasies I don’t stop thinking about his wife. Then I remind myself that these are “just” fantasies, so in a fantasy, as long as it’s fantasy, I can imagine that his wife has given him permission.

This is fantasy, and probably one-sided, but I’m seeking that glow, and then I think I’m motivated by a desire to see how close to the line we come, of admitting mutual attraction, or revealing it somehow.

And that’s where I think maybe I’m doing wrong, and that it’s the best thing to just keep away. And the right thing. I was looking in my mind’s eye to see if I could find any literature where having sex with a married man, while married to someone else, turns out well, and I have to wryly smile that there’s not. That I can remember anyway. “Madame Bovary” comes to mind. I wonder if she was peri-menopausal.

I think some of this is an example of how my thoughts and fantasies DO influence my BEHAVIOR, in that they provoke a certain anxiety that causes me to behave a certain way. I feel fears that his wife is noticing that she’s hearing my name more than usual and may get a clue. Notice that I’ve been cropping up. I realize that any protective feelings I may sense from her are purely projection, and also in the realm of the fantasies.

I think this is just crazy one-sidedness gone a little nutty. I think he treats me the way he treats Val, and Ann, and Rob and Gary, for that matter. It’s kind of embarrassing, and I think I needed the insight into just how big the fantasies really are in my life and that they’re affecting my behavior.

I’m still with wanting an affair, I guess, but really he isn’t the right one. He would be if he weren’t married with kids. Like I said, it can’t be just anyone. It has to be someone who sparks that kind of warmth that I feel surrounding his presence, someone I genuinely like and laugh with. I have a feeling, that as in most marriages, an affair would devastate his, and it wouldn’t devastate mine. At best, the warmth of having such a side relationship would help me to tolerate a lot of the feelings that I have a lot with Gary’s and my interaction. At worst, I could get caught but I don’t think he would divorce me. It could function as his wake-up call. In a way it’s the only leverage I have in a relationship with someone who ignores things that are unpleasant. And harbors grudges and acts passively aggressive. They’re things that make my marriage to him unpleasant in a moment-by-moment way, but they’re not really divorcible offenses. When for the hundredth time he’s not followed through on something we’d agreed on, I may WISH I could divorce him, but it would be laughable to divorce him on the grounds that he hadn’t taken the trash out. It’s the little things, in total and a mass, that make me dislike my marriage to him. And divorce on account of those things is not really an option, and besides it would be yet another huge change in the lives of our boys. I can tell him that each time something like this happens that it kills something in our relationship, but he’s already ignored that leverage enough. He just absorbs the colder atmosphere between us and goes on. An affair says, “HEY!!! You’ve not been paying attention! This is for real how distant I feel from you. This is the reality that all those little unresolved exchanges over the years have led us to. That an affair feels like a viable alternative!” I don’t think I would care if he had an affair either. I think it would be fine with me, just so he doesn’t bring home any diseases, and vice versa.

It’s just my luck that the person I’ve been drawn to have an affair with is the absolute wrongest person.

But I’m silly in any sense to think that this is mutual.

So what are the possibilities in this situation?

1) It is totally one sided and the product of a silly medicated perimenopausal woman—completely unrequited except as neighbor/friends.

2) There is a mutual attraction that will go completely unspoken.
a) Now that we’re no longer neighbors it will go its own way and die
b) We’ll continue to get together and continue to act like friends and not get any closer to that line, but still all unspoken, so it’s not clear if he IS mutually attracted to me, or not

3) There’s a mutual attraction we acknowledge
a) we discuss it and acknowledge it’s not a good thing and resolve to manage our feelings and our behavior
B) We discuss it and throw caution to the winds and act on it. Not likely, since I believe he really loves his wife.

So I haven’t been able to have fantasies of him without seeing myself as a homewrecker.

I suppose this is a wake-up call for ME, that I think so little of the marriage to Gary that I’m going to act as if his behavior has nullified and voided our contract to be monogamous.

If he behaved toward me the way he did when he still liked me, I can see his behavior deteriorating now, when he doesn’t act like he likes me either. That whole thing with expecting me to guess that he wanted pictures of the house with the family in it and indicating that he thought it should have been a no-brainer that I knew that—that’s what people do when they dislike someone.

So I want an affair. Unfortunately with the wrong person, but nevertheless I know I want one by my feelings of want in this situation.

It’s curious to me that I keep flashing on the “nothing good can come of this” theme. Thinking of Madame Bovary, the famous adulteress. Remembering Erica Jong’s 70’s book, “Fear of Flying: and that main character’s search for “The Zipless Fuck” I don’t remember anything else about that book, but it seems there was some sort of come-uppance for the main character.

I do feel like I too am looking for a “Zipless Fuck” I’m not interested in romance, or courtship, or re-marriage and someone else parenting my boys. I’m looking for good sex with someone I like, whose presence brings a spark, and who I can laugh with. So I wonder if there is such a thing. Maybe even for years? A marriage with another relationship on the side. Again, it doesn’t seem to have any precedent in literature of working out well. Who am I to think I’ll be different?

Rick came a while ago with a partner and they’re working, and it’s beginning to get noisy so it’s probably better that I go take a walk.

A little later. The cable guy came to put a wire in downstairs so the eventual television will have a cable hook-up. He had an interesting manner, quite a presence that I noticed the second I opened the door. We talked a bit when he finished so I could sign the papers—he did a really nice thing in that he billed this as a trouble call that won’t cost us the service charge. We talked for a bit before he left, and he said, “You have really blue eyes.” He said it in an admiring sort of way. It sort of shocked me, but in a refreshing way. It was actually very nice.

It makes me wonder if something’s sticking out of me. Some pheromone or something.