12/4/06

I broke off after that and began transcribing the older journal instead. And I don’t remember the point that I made the decision to do that. Odd.

But that was the first statement {“I guess I may as well approach how this might apply to my relationship with Darlene. She’s wanting more connection as manifested by more physical contact. So what of this shrinking away from that idea inside me.”} I saw when I brought up this page.

I am aware of a real reluctance to engage this, about connecting with Darlene. It does stand to reason, that like anyone, my boys for instance, she is merely seeking connection, and is as deserving of it as anyone. I can consider it more important now to reach beyond the immediates of a conflict, like Scott and his page turning yesterday, and the situation when Joy & John broke up—I can consider it more important to reach beyond that to the place of human need for connection; why am I reluctant to do that with Darlene.

And it’s strange, too, the at-odds experience of on one hand when we get together we often have things we can talk about, and I feel some warmth in her company (toward her, I mean), yet the default feeling I have is like reacting to nails on a blackboard.

Realizing that engaging that very reluctance intimately may be helpful

It is hard for me to stay engaged internally when I feel agitated around the boys. It’s hard to stay Engaged, then, but even alone it’s not easy. The effort, if it can be called that, to Stay Present, is a little bit of hard work.

Going to go eat something; read. I spent most of the morning getting caught up on the news, and feel oriented at least that way.

Reading further into “Putting On the Mind of Christ”, at the same time I get a reply from Sharon to my message.

Jeff knew how to live seated deeply into himself. It was much deeper than self-confidence. I did not, and that was what he remarked upon.

12/05/07 12:24

I have a headache. I’m a bit tired of writing too, I means just as far as my hands feel. Then, there’s the fact that I feel really uncomfortable transcribing the particular section I’m at in my diary, my old one. I entered a relationship with Mike D against some strong feelings of repulsion. That particular period in my past life seems like a more like a bruise on the fruit than most of the others. I suppose the relationship with Mark G kind of compares as well, in terms of it feeling more repellantly—ICK! Yeah, these were kind of icky. But I had ick from the beginning with Mike, but plowed on down that path anyway because I didn’t believe the legitimacy of my feelings. It wasn’t til YEARS later that Sharon asked me if I couldn’t ‘let them {these feelings} be information’? It frightens me a little how vulnerable I was…out in a world with no thorns to defend myself.

Time to read for a while.

12/06/06

I’m enjoying the beautiful light coming in to my house right now. I worked quite a bit this morning to try to clean the windows after noticing how the boys had “written” on them with their fingers…In fact I did the whole domestic frenzy thing, cleaned out the refrigerator, separated the turkey broth I made into separate containers, even salvaged the dried out spices that we bought fresh, and stored them in the dried spices containers. So I feel a bit like I haven’t gotten many of the benefits of being alone. Further, I only have about an hour before I have to go pick up the boys for their dental appointment….I feel like I need to get up and gather all the stuff I need or I’ll forget…but I just got sat down.

OK, so I’m reading this ‘putting on the mind of Christ’ book, and I’m understanding that most of our religious institutions are stuck developmentally at a very concrete level of perception. I recognize in myself the struggle I went through when determining that as salt Christianity had lost its taste and was limiting me from where my heart was calling me. I think I’ve just spent all these years to get to a point where I recognize Christianity is a metaphor, and that these metaphors are present ever where and at all levels. I’ve come to recognize a Core inside of me that I can feel, and to the degree that I surrender, allow It to put me on like a glove, and operate intimately in my life, with a sense of influence that’s metaphoric to skiing and sensing how when I’m TRULY in contact with the snow and my boot, I can influence the motion with micro adjustments that I can feel. It’s to the extent that my awareness breaks contact that I feel out of control, and am. So the sense was that as I ‘surrender’ to this Center, that indeed I then am the hand inside a glove. My awareness makes the difference between me being a creator, or merely an object of creating—a passenger.

So, so far I’m in this at the level of having a better life as I live it. And this way seems to be independent of circumstances, or at least more so. It doesn’t require that my mate be someone who can communicate with me on a ‘deeper level’ or even be intimate with me at all. What this has really been about is accepting the responsibility of being the one who is the interpreter and the world view from which I operate. In other words, I’m going to take the responsibility of the view I see from behind my eyes, and make decisions that are appropriate to that. I haven’t done this before because I’ve worried that my world view might be “wrong”, my feelings and other guideposts illegitimate. And it’s not so much about this “working” to make my relationships ‘better’—as in, even if I am operating from deeply inside myself, I still might not be able to help Connor with his math, or with his rage when he can’t do it.

So I feel that part of what I’m about right now is to become aware of the anxiety that separates me from my inner Attention, and to expand the moments that I’m in Contact.

But this book by Marian, wow. It goes far beyond living well in this world. I’ve been drawn this direction from very early, which is why I wrote: basically as a meditation, and to learn to hear the Voice. And to hear the Voice without the overlay of expectations, which means to slow down inside—and I think that to the extent that I’m paying Attention, to that extent my agitation calms. But this goes on farther than I imagined, is what I’m saying. I was reaching toward Something, and now I find it may be just another step on the path. And that path goes to some very otherworldly places…that’s what I’m suspecting. Maybe further than I’m really…wanting…to go…

So I feel like I might need some fellowship with other people who may be a little further along than me. Sharon P has a Ken Wilber study group, and this book I’m reading is based on the work of Ken Wilber. So I suspect that it takes a similar direction as far as these levels of spiritual development are concerned.

12/11/06

Gary got home yesterday morning from Asia, and it’s been very uncomfortable around here ever since.

Things have eroded between us to a point where we can’t even keep a decent atmosphere between us. He just took Scott to go get the Christmas tree; Connor didn’t want to go and my heart’s not in it, so I said I’d stay home with him. That’s not the way it should be. It should be a happy thing for us all to do together.

But it seems we’re not that kind of family, and my feelings about Gary and our relationship bleed into the atmosphere around us. He didn’t say goodbye when they left, and I only said goodbye to Scott and wished him a good time.

Maybe if I’d given him a warmer welcome after getting home yesterday. The dead-bolt had been locked, and he couldn’t figure out how to unlock the door. I had been nursing Scott, so it took me a minute to get up and get to the door. I suppose if I’d thrown myself into his arms and exclaimed over how much we’d missed him, maybe things would have been warmer. I suppose the neutrality of my greeting may have gotten us off to a bad start. The truth is, though, that I didn’t really care about him being gone, other than it means me being the whole show for the two kids. But this trip had seemed a little easier than the others. The boys didn’t ask for him, either—they seem to have just accepted that he’s absent a lot. It didn’t make any difference to me if we talked on the phone while he was gone or not. It bothered him that he’d tried to call a few times and never got hold of us. It didn’t bother me.

So I didn’t give him a warm welcome because I felt…basically indifferent to his being there or not. Perhaps if I’d feigned a warm welcome things might have been better…but I don’t think for long anyway. He’d have done something like he did—barking at me to help him get some things out of a bag and showing with his tone that he’d thought I should have known he needed help and should have just done it without him having to ask. Maybe it happened because he was unhappy that I’d not given him a warm welcome—but some version of it would have happened eventually had I given him a warm welcome or not.

It’s definitely a downward spiral now. Because I feel indifferent to him I treat him that way. And it’s clear he’s hostile to me, which increases my indifference and alienation to him and from him. It’s just a process of erosion. I don’t know if it’s even possible under these circumstances for us to be polite when we’re in the same room.

Looking eagerly forward to my affair.

12/14/05

A couple of themes to explore. Some thoughts as an observer on the last few days with Gary. I’ve been pretty low; right now I’m feeling, experiencing my Self as an Observer. It feels a little better to be in that place, then to feel so down.

So this Observer has a theory that there’s some sort of power cycle going on where because I was lukewarm about his return, he was late getting here Monday night without calling. Another brick in the edifice he’s building of treating other people at the standard that seems normal, but not me. It actually has happened quite a bit that he will say something in a tone that he’d never use on one of his co-workers or his mother, or he’ll do something like Monday night, which was to OFFER to take the boys to the evening movies I’d been planning on taking them to, agree that he was going to be here by 5:10 latest to be able to make the 5:30 show, then not show up until 5:40 with no phone calls. I told him that he’d owed it to me as another human being to have at least called when it was clear he wouldn’t be getting home by 5:10—so I could make a decision about maybe taking them myself. Had I known how late he was going to be, I’d have done that. So the Observer in me notices I was very furious.

And now the Observer in me wonders if it’s time to quit calling him on the things he does, and the lame way he defends it. When he was defending not getting up to get Scott something Scott was asking for while I was doing several things at once as “I don’t feel like it.” Like that’s a valid defense. Or, “I had things to do” while I was visibly doing other things like putting the groceries away. So far I haven’t been able to conceive of myself being able to let stuff like that pass without comment. My response has been to point out that the reason he’s giving is NOT A REASON (“I don’t feel like it”)

Well I was interrupted by a phone call and it was Gary. So we talked quite a bit about what I was just about to write about. I think what’s key to me in the conversation is that I said I’m asking for basic courtesy from him and that he’s giving it to everyone else but me. I told him that I think what he has against me is that I object when I think his behavior is objectionable. That I want to know what, outside of that, he has grievances about in my behavior. And I told him that I’ve been saying these things for years, these very same things, and yet the dynamic persists and is now getting more poisonous and rancorous. Hostile. And, I told him that he can’t keep ignoring this, he can’t be distanced and detached—that this situation calls for something from him. I guess his engagement. This one he can’t do the usual and wait for it to fix itself.

I have a thought that maybe he meant this call as an olive branch (he told me that he was out getting me a Christmas present) and that he’s offended because I brought this stuff up in a conversation where he was trying to make overtures.

Sigh. Trouble is, I can’t accept the overtures until the core stuff is addressed. I can’t just “start over” with an emotional blank slate and let bygones be bygones, without cleaning up the prior mess.

A few minutes later. I was just following up on a commitment I made to one of our former neighbors. While finishing up with that my thoughts drifted to my visit with x today. It was a fun visit with the kind of lively discussion I enjoy with him. And I seem to be moving away from that place inside that felt sort of…eager about spending time with him. I think it’s because we’re in the habit of relating entirely as platonic friends, and that’s the vibe between us when I stop by. It’s very pleasant, and a little less agitated than experiencing so strongly the sexual potential. I like it better. Kind of nice to have the reason for the whole moral dilemma blunted; makes the moral dilemma moot. I do feel pretty confident though that we’re not headed toward an affair, or even an acknowledgement that one is possible. It seems that the kind of friendship we have can go on at this level indefinitely. And that’s a good thing.