10/7/05

Guys are downstairs laying carpet. That means at last we’ll be moving our stuff downstairs and doing the final unpack.

It’s kind of sad, that Gary and I haven’t really done this as partners. I’ve spoken on really giving up on our relationship and all the things I would want from a relationship. Sometimes I don’t care. Today it troubles me. For one thing, I’d really like the boys to have modeled for them parents who LIKE each other. And I don’t like Gary, and his demeanor and behavior toward me says he doesn’t like me. I told him the other night, “It isn’t the big things that wreck a marriage. It’s the moment-by-moment.” Our moment-by-moments aren’t good. And they seem to be getting worse.

This morning I woke early with intent to paint the second coat in Connor’s room, thus finishing that project. Then I decided to get a coat on Scott’s room, though I guess in retrospect it doesn’t do much good: if the object is to paint before carpeting goes in, it’s useless since I’ll have to put the second coat on after carpeting anyway. Gary and I had been up late last night. I’d awakened after about an hour of sleep, same as the night before. I went to check e-mail, hoping for a repeat of the night before in receiving a message from x. (None) (Not so far today, either) I decided since I was awake, to put a second coat of paint on some masonry in what’s going to be the family room. I’m no longer sure who starts the cycle of rudeness. His manner toward me seemed to be of just barely tolerating my presence, and that talking to me was a very unpleasant task. Gary went to bed ahead of me.

So I woke early, and then both boys woke. I still had intent to paint, so I told Gary that he was going to need to shepherd the boys through the breakfast and getting dressed and lunches made ritual. For much of this week he has been home in the mornings, not leaving so early. He asked me if I “liked” him being home. The truth is, that except for him being here when Connor catches the bus so I can leave a little earlier to get Scott to his school, it’s really no different than any morning when he’s NOT here. He sits and reads the paper and doesn’t participate at all in the getting-the-kids-ready activities. I can’t help but feel resentful: on what basis does he draw the conclusion that it’s ok for one person to do all the work and running around while HE reads the paper? It bothers me and has been a recurrent theme in these journals. And it bothers me especially when in other contexts with other people he strives to do MORE than his share; even acting like he doesn’t deserve them to do something for him. He doesn’t seem to realize what he is doing with me; is resentful if I point it out. It doesn’t seem to occur to him to question if it’s reasonable that he expect that he can be the one who sits and reads the paper. And, this morning, managing the kids, I suspect it doesn’t dawn on him that as uncomfortable and difficult for him sometimes it was, that that is what I experience daily. That that is what he relegates me to when he sits and ignores everyone and reads the paper. And then he didn’t get Scott’s lunch made and I had to finish. (This is a weird aside: he seemed determined that Scott have a ham sandwich, on a hamburger bun—stale. It’s as if it’s not enough to accept what Gary does, he wants you to WANT it, too. He really wanted Scott to WANT that sandwich. And he takes offence when we don’t want what he wants us to want. That he thinks we SHOULD want. It is so weird.) Then, since time was short I left as soon as I packed Scott’s lunch…only to find when I returned an hour or so later that Gary had left out the ham on the counter, and the bun. For me to say something about that is to be critical which gets resentment. But if he’s not following through with something he does and leaving things out so they can spoil, doesn’t it deserve some criticism? Why should he expect that I should just clean up after him without comment? Why doesn’t he get that behavior that wouldn’t be acceptable at work is not ok to do at home, either?

So, transitioning into this house has not been a together experience for us; really more of an opportunity to re-experience why we don’t like each other. I thought to myself that we’d done it separately together, and then realized that wasn’t entirely true. We’ve done it more or less oppositionaly together. Too bad, considering this is the house we’re probably going to stay together in. A “forever house” I’ve called them, a place where you know you’re going to stay.

I was listening to an interview today with a psychotherapist talking about Compassionate Communication. I came in where he was talking about 4 steps that build bridges between people, as opposed to sowing conflict; 1) Observe (what happened and what one’s response was to it) 2) Report what just happened and what one’s feeling response was to it 3)Recognize that behind every behavior there is a need the person is trying to meet 4) Ask for what one needs

I feel sad that in these last weeks, months, my behavior toward Scott has been anything but compassionate. I’m constantly hurrying him or being irritable with him for being in my way. Sometimes I speak to him in a really injurious tone that drips with: “you are so stupid that I have to tell you something slowly and break it down into simple steps so that you’ll do it.” Very acid. I’m ashamed as I write that and I feel tearful. Because when I applied what the psychotherapist said, as in finding out Scott’s need I saw that I put his need to explore and satisfy his curiosity and reality testing behind my need to move in a direct line to accomplish something. Not only do I put my need first, I do it in the rudest of ways. And I’ve been doing this for months.

He’s on a thing right now that really sends me out of my mind. He will state something that’s obvious, like “We’re riding in the car. It’s a Toyota” and say it again and again until I say, “Yes, Scott, we are riding in our Toyota”. Right now he’s on the difference between saying, “Oh, my god”, and “Oh, my gosh”. I’ve been correcting him when he says OMG, knowing it’s just not socially acceptable for a 4-year old to be saying that. When he asks why I tell him (this is a well-worn groove by now) that some people get offended when one says OMG, but their feelings aren’t hurt if you say OMGosh. And he will repeat this over and over. I feel insane sometimes it’s so maddening. Then I respond to him in an irritable tone.

I think I’m doing better with the Wellbutrin, though. It seems that I’m not QUITE as crazy-irritated as I was—not as much one raw nerve that the kids step on (and face it, Gary, too. Almost on the same level as the kids).

I feel compassion for Scott and his needs as I review the way I’ve been treating him. When I think of applying the 4 steps to interactions with Gary and Darlene, I feel less compassion for their needs. I’m inclined to feel that Gary’s need is to win in insidious ways. And his mom’s need is to be treated like she’s “precious” and to be “right”. I suppose I’m violating the spirit of those steps, though. I’m really applying my evaluation onto their behavior. The guy talked about how a feeling is an electro-chemical change in our body that our thoughts translate into an emotion (was that it? Or was it that the e/c change gives rise to emotion and then we have a thought about that—which is an evaluation), and that leads to behavior. And that behavior is what we do to get our needs met.

From several different sources lately I’ve been being reminded that our interaction with the world around us is being mediated by our nervous system, which is a set of discreet structures with several junctions along the way where perception is altered. I got it in “The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Nighttime” and I was reminded of it when I was reading “Cryptonomicon” last night. That’s the book Jon recommended to me, and lent me his copy. Two charactors had a discussion. And basically the gist of it was that our senses are intermediated by our sense organs and nervous systems. And that our reality is limited by our senses, so it’s akin to being a caveman in a cave, trying to distinguish reality by the shadows thrown on the wall of the cave. And that there are certain things that give rise to a certain electro-chemical change in our bodies that seem to be constant through the ages, and that only the shape of the wall changes. So, an ancient Greek experienced what he did, and interpreted it according to the shape of the wall before him, that is the context of the time that he lived in. And we here in the present have a differently shaped wall, due to the times we live in and what we as a human race have learned—but we recognize certain impulses as the same—only our interpretation is different because our wall is different. It makes sense to me that the reality that we as humans experience really is that of a reflection on a wall. The colors we see are reflections of light. We engage the world through our sense organs, and we interpret the input that comes in and respond accordingly. Kind of like my sexualizing the experience of attraction to x. Even to call it attraction is to be putting a name, or an interpretation on an “electro-chemical change” within my body. Then again come the notion that we, then are NOT our bodies, or our sense organs—that there is something behind those structures that uses those structures to engage, but is distinct from them.

I went away for a bit, and wanted to write down another thought: The imaginary conversations I was having yesterday—“talking” to x about the tendency to look with suspicion on a friendship between a man and woman that is pursued outside of the marriages. I imagined his wife already being on heightened alert about a potential threat from me. Today I realized that again I presume a lot. Because I might not even fit into the category of “threat woman”. It might be different if I were 25 or 30. I was assuming that I am in the category that can be considered a possible threat! Funny.

Later again

I had a keeping myself honest thought, realizing that my motives may be suspect in this “I’m delighted to be in your company/can we stay friends?” attitude.

What attracts me, and makes me want to come back for more is the pleasure of the sexual tension. I experience it in his presence and that’s what I’m delighting in, and sad to say goodbye to. I have to admit that this is some of my motivation in wanting to continue to see him. Partly because I tantalizingly sense a mutuality (could-be-full-of-shit)—that there’s some pleasure in it for him, too. On whatever level…maybe it’s not so pejorative that the motive force is sexual. Perhaps it doesn’t discredit me entirely. Anyway, I don’t really trust guys and their self awareness level. Perhaps there is a mutuality going on, and since it’s vaguely disloyal to his wife he doesn’t even admit it to himself. (Again, I’m fully aware that NONE OF THIS may be going on for him at all). Still, introspection hasn’t been the strong suit of many guys I know, to the point where it CAN be almost a generalization. Almost a truism.)

I suppose some of it is the mystery of it, of not knowing whether it’s mutual and wanting some…closure on that. (Would it be enough to know that he has a mutual sexual-level connection with me?)

And if it is mutual, is it a disloyalty to his wife to share that with me, even if we DON’T actually consummate it. Is it possible to be friends and keep “that feeling” out of the picture, so as to not be disloyal to our spouses (less a concern for me, I think, than him). Is it ethical to pursue a friendship with a woman who is not your wife—even if sexual potential is way way background? Does it imply that there are things you can get from other women that you can’t get from your wife, and is that a disloyalty too?

I know that monogamy wise, (And I’ve been fierce about it) the “contract” is that if I love you, then that means I keep my body and sexual pleasure only for you, and even if an attraction that has nothing to do with me or my worth crosses your path, you will refrain from following it up on account of your love for me. (To do otherwise is grounds for heartbreak, pain, maybe dissolution of relationship) That’s where I felt so entirely betrayed by Mark. It seems the path of least resistance to feel that way; a cultural norm. Not, “I love you and sometimes I’m intrigued by the attractions of somebody else and I’d like to follow up on. It is not a reflection of a lack of loyalty to you, and certainly not a reflection on your worth.” God, ME thinking along these lines! I would have NEVER thought this would make a kind of sense to me.