10/26/05

I woke at around 3:30, and then couldn’t get back to sleep. Had a great night last night with Marsh, Katie, and Wendy, and they were very kind to me about celebrating my birthday, even though I’ve not been very good about remembering theirs this past year. So I plan to be more participatory.

I got up so I could run a conversation and just see where it might go. I am pretty blind this way in that I can only think so far ahead and then I’m blind. So I can’t really explore possible avenues, or even whether or not a possible conversation is a good one to pursue or not. I’m not good at chess either; I just think a step or 2 in front of where I am and then it’s too complicated for me to conceive of possible avenues. And I really can’t think well without tracking it on paper.

So, I realize that there’s an opportunity for a conversation with x in the brief exchange with his wife as she was leaving. I’ve been having it, in a way in my head, but I can’t get very far and just thought I’d try running it.

I suppose I want to have this conversation because it’s running in my mind, and because there is something about this situation of me liking him (and him seeming to like me) and this desire I have to spend time with him that causes some sort of physiological change in me that feels like a tension that I want to resolve. 1st avenue that runs from there is that I feel a little funny about “taking this so seriously”. Or “overanalyzing this”. So from the git-go I feel a little unsure of how he would even receive such a conversation. (Then a little side thing. It’s only about 4:30 and for some reason Gary gets up. And he’s feeling chatty. Which keeps interrupting my train of thought which was the reason I got up in the first place. So when he asked me about what Scott’s Halloween costume is going to be I asked him if we could please talk about it another time because there’s some stuff I’m trying to think about. So he shuts down, visibly deflates, and says, “ok, I’ll shut up.” Like I’ve injured him. The thing is, I don’t know how many times he’s been downright unfriendly in the morning when I want to talk to him and he’s reading the paper. And he’s not nearly so pleasant as I was to him. He doesn’t seem to compute that there’s an equivalency here with his wanting to read uninterrupted and me in this case not being available. And, he’s not nearly as pleasant about claiming that time for himself as I was just now. And, I really don’t think that the next time HE’S wanting to read something and I’m interrupting him, that he’ll think to remember just how it feels to want someone’s time or attention for a minute and have them unavailable. And to maybe be a little nicer about it. It doesn’t seem to matter how kindly I put it. Just the fact of me being unavailable in a moment that he wants my availability is an affront to him and he resents it; and doesn’t see the contradiction to how he treats me when he wants MY availability. And to even say this to him is to be shut out, because more than a few words annoys him.)

OK, back to running my conversation. Sometimes the path seems so clear; then it gets muddy and obscured. But the way it starts I kind of imagine like this:

“The other night when I said goodbye to your wife, I encouraged her to come and visit, and she said, ‘well, we should. You visit x.’ And it might have been nothing, but it stood out to me in a way; I hope it’s not causing any awkwardness between the two of you that I come visit?

So, anyway, I hope…that my visits aren’t causing you and your wife trouble…while at the same time I harbor a hope that maybe I haven’t quite yet moved out of the category where I COULD!”

So there’s my imaginary conversation. And I suppose I need to ask myself what the purpose of having it would be, and I’d say to resolve a tension that may be generated when a woman visits a man who is not her husband and he is married. The risk I take of course is feeling silly for being obvious about putting this much thought into it when maybe he’s put none…what that reveals about me. Another risk is in not expressing myself clearly enough to keep it from getting awkward and making us both uncomfortable.

Later

Well, I just returned from x’s. It was a nice visit. I didn’t bring up anything about the “appearance of impropriety”.

He’s told me before about a website where you can represent yourself with a persona called an “avatar” and move about in this fantasy world. Literally it IS a second life. Today he’d just gotten on it, and so I sat down and watched as he maneuvered HIS avatar through the site. The first time he showed me he was fairly new to it, and wandered his character around. Zoomed in on some features that contained representations of various bodies, female, in various stages of undress. Today was the same; he mentioned that there are some “prurient” areas, and proceeded to take his avatar to some. It wasn’t anything he dwelt on, and he didn’t highlight the more graphic representations, though you could tell that it was a penis that had penetrated a vagina by the blurry image.

It’s interesting to contemplate going into Second Life as an avatar—the possibilities of a true fantasy life. It kind of blows my mind to consider the things it would mean. To be able to really act on one’s fantasies and act them out in a surprisingly realistic format and with participation of other people who have avatars also populating the place.

For myself, I can’t distance myself (when I try to imagine it in my mind) from the persona I’d create; that fantasy or not it is me creating it, and therefore it is me that people see. It makes me feel a little weird to think of what I’m saying about myself in how I dress my avatar and the demeanor it has.

So, watching x, I couldn’t help but wonder what about himself he is communicating in the way his avatar is dressed (no longer in jeans and the newbie white shirt, but in a caftan; very dramatic black with contrasting gold sleeves and collar; white hair and goatee.

It is clear about him that he does think quite a bit about sex, because he mentions it a lot. Even outside chatting with some other neighbors, he made a comment about a mean neighbor that she needed to “get laid more”. We all laughed, especially since there was some confusion as to whether he meant another neighbor who is somewhat elderly. We all kind of riffed on that joke and the humorous situation that followed. I felt good about today’s visit. That’s sort of the bottom line. I enjoyed his company; he seemed to enjoy mine. Good visit.

I just sort of resolved to myself that I would see if any opportunities opened up where it would make sense to have the conversation I was imagining this morning. That I’d wait until it felt very clearly like a good place to initiate it anyway, and that I’d refrain if none showed up. There was one time when it seemed there was a portal into the subject; I’m trying to remember what it was…but it faded quickly and would have had to be inserted if I really wanted to pursue it. I’d resolved to not do it that way, which would seem to risk the likelihood of an uncomfortable conversation. I suppose the bit of allusions to sex we have; more so today than last time, may be an indication that he feels comfortable with me, “one of the guys”. I think I’m just going to go on that assumption: that his treatment of me is no different from any of the other neighbors, that he loves his wife and has pledged sexual loyalty to her, and that there is no sexual energy between us. Sort of stepping into that perspective, it no longer seems odd that his wife mentioned my visiting him. I’ve been having this image that maybe her radar is up because she knows I’ve been coming over, and maybe has even mentioned it to x. But it’s very possible that the 2 of them have a solid trust in each other’s behavior and know that they wouldn’t do anything that would cause pain to the other, if found out. And in that case, her mentioning my visiting him was nothing more than suggesting they reciprocate. (It’s possible, I guess, for me to read into x talking about sexual situations (in fiction, or in second life—not involving him-&-me in any way) as a sort of overture, but when I think about it, it seems that would be reading too much into it. Unless something explicit is said, I am going to assume this.) Considering that possibility certainly changes a lot of things in how I feel inside. It changes my whole world view, from slightly anxious, to more optimistic.

I have a whole lot of questions: about 2nd Life, I mean. X explained to me that while people do have sex in this “world”, that all the avatars are devoid of sex organs and that you have to buy them. Male and female. So that sets off a whole raft of questions: why bother buying sexual organs—what value do they have? I mean, it doesn’t make any difference to the AVATARS whether they are rubbing smooth crotches together, or actually simulating real penis-penetrating-vagina sex. So what’s the purpose of buying them. Why do you “arrive” without them? The fact that you buy them seems to suggest that they’d be insensate anyway, even from the point of worldview of second life’s. THEN how does it work with the gestures? Do you have to buy sexual gestures, too? Like is there a gesture of a penis becoming erect that you have to “buy” in order to use with your new penis? Is there a whole category of sexual behaviors gestures that you can buy? What are the HIS ethics about having sex with one of the avatars? Actually, that one’s probably none of my business. Basically it would be asking him if he’s having sex (or his avatar is) in that world, and that’s too personal a question. But maybe just a more general discussion about the philosophical connotations of this world and where it falls on the ethical continuum for your avatar to have sex with another. That is interesting to think about. And seems like would be an interesting conversation on its own merits. Really, in a fantasy world, is it really different from private in-your-head fantasies to extend it to your avatar being sexual? Yet, it’s not just in-your-head; you are interacting with another human being. Maybe that’s like phone sex, except you’re acting through the intermediaries of the avatars.

It seems like there’s lots of possibilities for movie and or book plots with second life as a kind of central pole.

10/20/05

I’ve run into several dead-ends today that I’ve finally thrown in the towel on. I’m reminded of that physics law that says that objects in motion tend to stay in motion. Maybe it could be called “The Dog With the Bone” Law. Once I invest in a project, it’s hard to stop until I have success. That’s kept me hanging in way too long, in the past; but it’s also kept me hanging in til a problem was solved.

So I ran into a dead end trying to get the router set up so that I can access the internet with the laptop from elsewhere in the house. The range is miniscule, not 20 feet. I’ve done all the suggested stuff, changed the channel of broadcast, took the phone away, moved the router, best as I could, away from metal.

10/21/05—would have been my grandmother’s 92nd BD.

Rick, the builder, wrought a miracle yesterday, in that he came in the afternoon; got the infrastructure ready, and cut a hole in the roof over the kitchen and placed the skylight. Wow, it is so cool to have natural light in the kitchen, and a really pretty light is coming into the house right now. I think I’m really going to like this house.

This is about the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long that I’ve had some spare time without a million things required to do to fill it. Though this isn’t entirely a free hour, because I’m expecting that Rick will be here any time. So it’s not like I can really relax into the arms of silence, because it might be broken at any minute.

10/24/05

Roger is here working on the deck, so I didn’t get the alone time I’d thought I might have.

Sigh. Last night’s party for the old neighborhood didn’t ring as nicely as I’d have liked. Maybe it was a bit weird to have x and his wife here together. Maybe it was because there were some weird kid dynamics. Maybe it’s because Gary and I had another lousy interaction before everyone got here (I went to the store to get some ice and soda for the party, Connor and Scott had a conflict that Gary was angry at Connor for, and because he was angry with Connor he behaved as if he was angry with me.). (I think that Connor reminds Gary of me, and so when he and Connor have a problem he blames it on me. One time he and Connor had a tussle about something, and I took Connor to the bedroom to cool off; when Gary came in he said, with as much focused anger as I’d ever heard in his voice, “It’s YOU”. So if Connor misbehaves, or Gary and Connor have a conflict, he treats me as if it’s my fault. He doesn’t appear to examine the seeds of the conflict in his own behavior toward Connor which often exacerbates a potentially tense situation.)

So I have some musings about the party and some about Gary and me.

I’ve not had much desire for food, and I suppose it’s because there may be some appetite suppressant as well as libido-enhancer in that Wellbutrin. Consequently I’ve lost weight, which has been fine with me, since I’d put on some unwanted pounds in the past 2 years. So I’ve been feeling more confident in my clothes since they fit me better and I wear them better. So I wore something last night that I felt slim and attractive in, blue jeans and denim-colored shirt.

A couple things from last night: X sat down by the fireplace, which is across from the loveseat that his wife was sitting on. Someone remarked about him not sitting next to his wife, and he said, “I’d rather look at her.” She made a wry face at him and we all joked a bit about it. She is very pretty, with beautiful skin.

Downstairs, helping clean up, someone asked me about the mardi-gras beads we have, what I’d done to get them. I don’t know if this was a double-entendre thing to say, but I said it anyway: “I didn’t bare my breasts”. We laughed and I said, “A ten cent strand of beads—I don’t come cheap!” There was some talk about that practice at mardigras, and x said: “You know when you get to a certain age they probably throw beads at people to keep their clothes ON.” Well, I doubt if he meant it the way it sounded, but coming on the heels of the remark about not baring my breasts it did sound a bit like he meant me. So in addition to the evening feeling a little off anyway, there was that. Upon leaving and saying goodbye to his wife at the door I said, “Come visit us” and she said something like “We should. You come visit x.” That felt a little strange, too. She said something about him visiting during the day, that is, other people coming over. I didn’t hear her very well—I THINK that’s what she said. I responded that I’m often in the neighborhood after dropping Scott and so I drop by.

So I’m in a sort of contradictory position about wondering if she feels it’s strange or inappropriate that I stop by (the threat mode) and feeling that I’m probably flattering myself if I think threat mode, because I’m really more in the crone mode. This as a result of what x said about people being “paid” to keep their clothes on.

So I felt kind of sad and let down after the party. I think in part because I’m pretty sure I want an affair, and the prospects seem more distant now.

My musings about Gary and what I thought about over the past week:

The preamble is that I wonder if writing them down is a way of further widening the gulf between us, and maybe providing myself rationale to stray. Like it’s dishonest of me, and I should be looking to heal this relationship. I’m done, I’m done with initiating counseling. My perception of him is that he will NOT take action when something is wrong, and that until an issue is urgent enough for him to INITIATE action, that going to counseling is an exercise in futility. Going to counseling on my initiative, as it’s always been, is just a masquerade that makes it SEEM as if action is being taken, but it’s not. The deal is, he is not seeing our situation for what it is. He is persisting in ignoring, and adapting himself to the continued shrinking circle of our relationship. It’s getting smaller and smaller and instead of seeing the need, he just closes his eyes and makes himself happy with what he has. And part of what he has is the satisfaction of winning with his little passive aggressive barbs and getting to be “right”. I really think that it’s about winning for him, and he doesn’t see how defeating that is to what’s left of “us”. If I were to not complain about anything, or point out anything that’s “wrong” and not respond to his barbs we’d probably have a ghost of a chance, but I’m not willing to absorb that.

Odd, I’d sat at the fireplace, and moved over to make room for x who came in behind me, and then Gary came over and interposed himself BETWEEN us. It seems it might have been more natural for him to sit on the right of me so that I’d be the one in the middle; there was room…I wonder then if he “knows” about my attraction to x, or if that was just coincidental. It seems like that may have been what initiated the comment about him not sitting on the loveseat with his wife.

Got to go get Scott; fill the tank up with gas.

Later:

From a message to Valerie:

I’ve been thinking about something about Gary and me. A few times when we were getting along a little bit better than others and that invites the thought that maybe things could get better, and my first thought after was to feel reluctance because that would mean not having an affair! That’s sort of a switch. The thing is, I have an intuition that things aren’t going to get any better with Gary since they haven’t in nearly 14 years of marriage. We just don’t have the basis of trust, friendship, and communication that would be required to get through the sexual issues (of me feeling repelled by him, actually, and the way he approaches and touches me when he wants sex—it’s come to where it’s really more comfortable for me now for him to not initiate because I just don’t have that current for him.) He is not capable of the kind of talk and trust it would take for us to be able to bridge this gap—and I think it’s because he won’t look at the reality of how really bad it is between us. When sex shrunk to non-existence, he merely adapted himself to being content without sex—it was easier to do that than to deal with it, directly, with me. I feel that initiative is key—like the alcoholic who will never get better until he really sees what he’s doing and acknowledges just how bad things are. The counseling we’ve had—many times over the years—has always been initiated by me. I’m the only one who’s seen how bad it is, and took steps to do something about it and he’s gone along for the ride. But it’s not enough that he’s receptive…he needs to see for himself how bad this is, and take the first step to righting how wrong things have gotten. There are certain things I just can’t do for the both of us—it has to come from him. But, his tendency is to instead retreat to his own little world and be happy living without the things he could have. In this context, an affair is a win for me just about either way it falls: chances are I wouldn’t be caught by him because he would do his best to not know. So I can have an affair (or more) without fear of interference. If somehow I did get caught and it was shoved under his nose, I think it would be pretty graphic evidence for him that it’s not working to retreat to his dream world where everything is fine and nothing needs to be dealt with. I’m not looking for an affair though as strictly a lesson for him: I want it for me. I’ve farmed out my emotional needs to my girlfriends, and I’m going to farm out my physical needs too. And, at my age I have a much better handle on it, I think, than when I was younger and single and had sex confused with love. (And got hurt repeatedly as a result.) I’m not looking for love. I have no problem now with a strictly physical connection, though I’m going to have to like the guy and feel attracted to him.

One more weird thing that happened at the party and I’ll quit belaboring this. I had sat down on the edge of the fireplace, and I was talking to his wife who was seated across from me, in a love seat. X came into the room from my left and sat down at the fireplace, too, and I scooted over to make room for him. Then Gary came into the room and walked over and placed himself between us…which seemed a little weird. Ann said something about wouldn’t he like to sit with his wife and he said, “I’d rather look at her.” It seemed like a really nice thing to say, and even though I have an obvious conflict of interest I joined with the others in saying, “Awwwwww”. She, however, made a very wry face at him, like she thought he wasn’t sincere. Ann teased her about that and said, “Don’t you watch Oprah? Just say ‘thank you’ when someone gives you a compliment and leave it at that!” X said, “I do mean it, but she dismisses it.” It’s my curse, I guess, to be sensitive to undercurrents, but since they’re undercurrents, by definition I never get to know for sure if they’re real, or if they’re only fabrications from my own head.

I liked the clarity of my language as I wrote to her, so I thought I’d paste it in here, too.

10/16/05

Well, got through Thurs. It was ok. But I’d had the visit to look forward to. Friday. It was a nice visit. Funny how during I didn’t really feel much in the way of sexual tension during the visit; though my daydreaming mind went a little wild afterward. We had lots to talk about though, and it was just a pleasure to be with him. He’s really easy to talk to. It’s surprising to me, the amount of time I’m feeling bolstered by the prospect that he may be attracted to me, too. It’s like a wind at my back, or an upwelling of elation and it’s a bit troubling to consider that it may be completely illusory. I guess that puts me back to my dilemma about this whole attraction. It’s circular. It does give me pleasure to have that circulating in the back of my mind; there is a way that it seems to slip in involuntarily, though. This is how it goes. I find that I’m feeling kind of elated; realize it’s related to some background thoughts; a memory of conversation with him, or a fantasized conversation where it’s clear our attraction is mutual. Then I feel the need to bring in the bit of possible reality that it is all one-sided. That sobers me a bit. Then after a while I’m overtaken again by the images and fantasy thoughts of him.

I suppose this is what they mean when “they”, in talking about 4’s, or Romantics, say that 4’s can get a little too far into their dream worlds. And that it can get over-indulgent. Or worse, over-self-indulgent.

10/19/05

So I stopped over Monday. He seemed glad to see me; invited me in for coffee. I was there a little over an hour, and it felt good to be there and talk to him. I’m pretty sure this is how it could continue—friends enjoying each other’s company. (The Greek chorus in the background, intoning: “you’re making this all up and getting carried away with it…you’re probably too old to even be thought of as sexually appealing and he’d be embarrassed if he knew about the thought I’ve given to him vs. the thought he’s given to me…)

I do feel strongly bolstered, though…at the prospect of seeing him again, at the comfort we have in conversation, at the thought that possibly he does harbor some sexual interest in me as well. I guess that feeling is suspect and could very well be the fabrications of a middle-aged woman who is finally acknowledging the fading of her youth.

A while later:

I went for a walk just before going to pick Scott up. I reflected as I was returning home that of all the regrets I have over this past year it’s that I’ve not been a good mother to my kids. I guess I was having a conversation in my mind with a volunteer nazi at the school (Connor’s) and I was making a defense for myself taking a pass on actively volunteering. I’m pretty determined that I’m not going to do that until I feel I’ve had a rest from this past year. I was “saying” that in my mind to this woman. I was listing for her what I’ve gone through this past year with 2 moves, as well as being in limbo for a year and dancing on a tight-rope wire of not knowing if we should try to move again or not…and having builders in our lives since March or April and being in the limbo that their schedules involve…as well as being largely a single parent as far as support went at a trying time in the boys’ particular juxtaposition of ages, and that’s not even mentioning the wound caused by leaving a home I’d settled into in St. Louis and was all Scott had ever known, as well as moving in close proximity with Gary’s mom…that maybe SHE (this volunteer-pressure putter-oner) could easily recover from these things but for whatever reasons I cannot, without a sense of time behind me. And right now we’re going into the holidays again, and we’re still in the middle of a construction zone so it’s not settled down yet.

I had an image of the last month we were in St. Louis last year and I cringe when I think of how often the demands of that kept me from being able to be there for my kids. If I felt angry with them or impatient with them it was largely because something they wanted was in direct conflict with some move-related-demand I was trying to meet. There were times I felt torn in anguish about the mis-match of what I desired to give them and the reality of what I WAS giving them. As I was mulling over these things and their tangents, as part of my apologia to HER, it occurred to me that every time I felt torn because of a realization of what I was depriving the kids of, it was like a blow that took blood. I hadn’t really thought of that before, but yes, I think emotionally I’ve taken some hits in the last year that have had a cumulative effect. Only I hadn’t really thought of them that way.

It’s undeniable that this last year was very tough, and the thing is, it comes on the heels of several also very tough years. It started being tough, I think, around the time that Scott turned 2, or just before. That’s when Gary’s work started being so long and demanding, and he didn’t seem to get what it was costing me. I didn’t feel I had support from him, more of an attitude of his not being able to understand why I was having trouble with something that lots of other women (he supposed) did effortlessly.

I suppose it’s possible that my feelings of readiness to emotionally move away from Gary may be influenced by a year (no, several years) that has (have) been so difficult that I’ve often felt just nutty insane. Part of it is the way children are—it lends itself to adult insanity, but to feel that I wasn’t getting understanding and credit, let alone empathy for what I was experiencing really torqued the lever. I’ve felt more and more alienated from Gary…counselors have implied that I’ve been susceptible to his passive aggression, and so that means I bear responsibility for what results from it; that if somehow when he does something passive aggressive that I didn’t react to it as an act of hostility that then the next step wouldn’t follow, which is alienation to the point where I think I’d rather have an affair than reconcile emotionally with him.

You know what, the reason I feel happy and bolstered when thinking of x is that I feel my liking for him reciprocated for me. I feel that in the comfort and ease of our talk. I see it in our ease in laughing together. That much I know is mutual, and that’s why I feel GOOD. Because that is something that is good. The next step is to move it out to a sexual attraction, but really it should stop with the mutual liking, in my mind. That’s enough, too, to experience this strong feeling of shared friendship. (And, I suppose the sexual “heat”– that part which MAY be wholly one-sided—that can just be a little icing on the cake for me. Because whether he’s feeling it or not, I am, and I like it, even unacted upon.)

I have an ability, which actually is a liability, to forget having just been through a big change that’s been at least a year in its scope—and then to expect as much from myself as if we’d had all this behind us for years. It sort of worries me, sometimes, how certain facts will be there in front of me, and I’ve lost track of them, like derailing a train. Listening to the radio sometimes today I’d be hearing the commentator say something about something that had come earlier, and I’d have lost the connection to it. Then while trying to reel that back in I’d have lost the conversation that was going on while I was trying to remember.

Later:

This evening was one of the more difficult ones in memory. I had a hard time being patient with Scott, who was needing some attention. Gary had a late night at work, so that meant I was the whole show for dinner, which always seems so hard to get food on the table…all of it that we need at one time, and all the drinks, and then to be able to eat with them because a lot of time they’re eating while I’m getting all the stuff or getting up to get the stuff I forgot. So a lot of busywork. Then they had their conflicts over using the computer and Scott was whiny and disagreeable. Then homework with Connor, math that seemed a bit over his head, while trying to keep Scott occupied seemed particularly onerous tonight. So by the time Gary got home I was feeling beat up. This on a day where both boys were in school full day, so I should have been feeling fresh. But it worked out to 5 solid hours with the 2 of them. And the last 2 of those about did me in.

I think I’ll go read for a while.

I had a thought that in the midst of all this it would make sense that I would latch on to a man who is reasonably attractive and friendly and find some solace in that friendship. To come to want that from a man who is not my husband…does that boil down to poaching, even if I’m not sexually involved with him? Is it a bad thing?

10/7/05

Guys are downstairs laying carpet. That means at last we’ll be moving our stuff downstairs and doing the final unpack.

It’s kind of sad, that Gary and I haven’t really done this as partners. I’ve spoken on really giving up on our relationship and all the things I would want from a relationship. Sometimes I don’t care. Today it troubles me. For one thing, I’d really like the boys to have modeled for them parents who LIKE each other. And I don’t like Gary, and his demeanor and behavior toward me says he doesn’t like me. I told him the other night, “It isn’t the big things that wreck a marriage. It’s the moment-by-moment.” Our moment-by-moments aren’t good. And they seem to be getting worse.

This morning I woke early with intent to paint the second coat in Connor’s room, thus finishing that project. Then I decided to get a coat on Scott’s room, though I guess in retrospect it doesn’t do much good: if the object is to paint before carpeting goes in, it’s useless since I’ll have to put the second coat on after carpeting anyway. Gary and I had been up late last night. I’d awakened after about an hour of sleep, same as the night before. I went to check e-mail, hoping for a repeat of the night before in receiving a message from x. (None) (Not so far today, either) I decided since I was awake, to put a second coat of paint on some masonry in what’s going to be the family room. I’m no longer sure who starts the cycle of rudeness. His manner toward me seemed to be of just barely tolerating my presence, and that talking to me was a very unpleasant task. Gary went to bed ahead of me.

So I woke early, and then both boys woke. I still had intent to paint, so I told Gary that he was going to need to shepherd the boys through the breakfast and getting dressed and lunches made ritual. For much of this week he has been home in the mornings, not leaving so early. He asked me if I “liked” him being home. The truth is, that except for him being here when Connor catches the bus so I can leave a little earlier to get Scott to his school, it’s really no different than any morning when he’s NOT here. He sits and reads the paper and doesn’t participate at all in the getting-the-kids-ready activities. I can’t help but feel resentful: on what basis does he draw the conclusion that it’s ok for one person to do all the work and running around while HE reads the paper? It bothers me and has been a recurrent theme in these journals. And it bothers me especially when in other contexts with other people he strives to do MORE than his share; even acting like he doesn’t deserve them to do something for him. He doesn’t seem to realize what he is doing with me; is resentful if I point it out. It doesn’t seem to occur to him to question if it’s reasonable that he expect that he can be the one who sits and reads the paper. And, this morning, managing the kids, I suspect it doesn’t dawn on him that as uncomfortable and difficult for him sometimes it was, that that is what I experience daily. That that is what he relegates me to when he sits and ignores everyone and reads the paper. And then he didn’t get Scott’s lunch made and I had to finish. (This is a weird aside: he seemed determined that Scott have a ham sandwich, on a hamburger bun—stale. It’s as if it’s not enough to accept what Gary does, he wants you to WANT it, too. He really wanted Scott to WANT that sandwich. And he takes offence when we don’t want what he wants us to want. That he thinks we SHOULD want. It is so weird.) Then, since time was short I left as soon as I packed Scott’s lunch…only to find when I returned an hour or so later that Gary had left out the ham on the counter, and the bun. For me to say something about that is to be critical which gets resentment. But if he’s not following through with something he does and leaving things out so they can spoil, doesn’t it deserve some criticism? Why should he expect that I should just clean up after him without comment? Why doesn’t he get that behavior that wouldn’t be acceptable at work is not ok to do at home, either?

So, transitioning into this house has not been a together experience for us; really more of an opportunity to re-experience why we don’t like each other. I thought to myself that we’d done it separately together, and then realized that wasn’t entirely true. We’ve done it more or less oppositionaly together. Too bad, considering this is the house we’re probably going to stay together in. A “forever house” I’ve called them, a place where you know you’re going to stay.

I was listening to an interview today with a psychotherapist talking about Compassionate Communication. I came in where he was talking about 4 steps that build bridges between people, as opposed to sowing conflict; 1) Observe (what happened and what one’s response was to it) 2) Report what just happened and what one’s feeling response was to it 3)Recognize that behind every behavior there is a need the person is trying to meet 4) Ask for what one needs

I feel sad that in these last weeks, months, my behavior toward Scott has been anything but compassionate. I’m constantly hurrying him or being irritable with him for being in my way. Sometimes I speak to him in a really injurious tone that drips with: “you are so stupid that I have to tell you something slowly and break it down into simple steps so that you’ll do it.” Very acid. I’m ashamed as I write that and I feel tearful. Because when I applied what the psychotherapist said, as in finding out Scott’s need I saw that I put his need to explore and satisfy his curiosity and reality testing behind my need to move in a direct line to accomplish something. Not only do I put my need first, I do it in the rudest of ways. And I’ve been doing this for months.

He’s on a thing right now that really sends me out of my mind. He will state something that’s obvious, like “We’re riding in the car. It’s a Toyota” and say it again and again until I say, “Yes, Scott, we are riding in our Toyota”. Right now he’s on the difference between saying, “Oh, my god”, and “Oh, my gosh”. I’ve been correcting him when he says OMG, knowing it’s just not socially acceptable for a 4-year old to be saying that. When he asks why I tell him (this is a well-worn groove by now) that some people get offended when one says OMG, but their feelings aren’t hurt if you say OMGosh. And he will repeat this over and over. I feel insane sometimes it’s so maddening. Then I respond to him in an irritable tone.

I think I’m doing better with the Wellbutrin, though. It seems that I’m not QUITE as crazy-irritated as I was—not as much one raw nerve that the kids step on (and face it, Gary, too. Almost on the same level as the kids).

I feel compassion for Scott and his needs as I review the way I’ve been treating him. When I think of applying the 4 steps to interactions with Gary and Darlene, I feel less compassion for their needs. I’m inclined to feel that Gary’s need is to win in insidious ways. And his mom’s need is to be treated like she’s “precious” and to be “right”. I suppose I’m violating the spirit of those steps, though. I’m really applying my evaluation onto their behavior. The guy talked about how a feeling is an electro-chemical change in our body that our thoughts translate into an emotion (was that it? Or was it that the e/c change gives rise to emotion and then we have a thought about that—which is an evaluation), and that leads to behavior. And that behavior is what we do to get our needs met.

From several different sources lately I’ve been being reminded that our interaction with the world around us is being mediated by our nervous system, which is a set of discreet structures with several junctions along the way where perception is altered. I got it in “The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Nighttime” and I was reminded of it when I was reading “Cryptonomicon” last night. That’s the book Jon recommended to me, and lent me his copy. Two charactors had a discussion. And basically the gist of it was that our senses are intermediated by our sense organs and nervous systems. And that our reality is limited by our senses, so it’s akin to being a caveman in a cave, trying to distinguish reality by the shadows thrown on the wall of the cave. And that there are certain things that give rise to a certain electro-chemical change in our bodies that seem to be constant through the ages, and that only the shape of the wall changes. So, an ancient Greek experienced what he did, and interpreted it according to the shape of the wall before him, that is the context of the time that he lived in. And we here in the present have a differently shaped wall, due to the times we live in and what we as a human race have learned—but we recognize certain impulses as the same—only our interpretation is different because our wall is different. It makes sense to me that the reality that we as humans experience really is that of a reflection on a wall. The colors we see are reflections of light. We engage the world through our sense organs, and we interpret the input that comes in and respond accordingly. Kind of like my sexualizing the experience of attraction to x. Even to call it attraction is to be putting a name, or an interpretation on an “electro-chemical change” within my body. Then again come the notion that we, then are NOT our bodies, or our sense organs—that there is something behind those structures that uses those structures to engage, but is distinct from them.

I went away for a bit, and wanted to write down another thought: The imaginary conversations I was having yesterday—“talking” to x about the tendency to look with suspicion on a friendship between a man and woman that is pursued outside of the marriages. I imagined his wife already being on heightened alert about a potential threat from me. Today I realized that again I presume a lot. Because I might not even fit into the category of “threat woman”. It might be different if I were 25 or 30. I was assuming that I am in the category that can be considered a possible threat! Funny.

Later again

I had a keeping myself honest thought, realizing that my motives may be suspect in this “I’m delighted to be in your company/can we stay friends?” attitude.

What attracts me, and makes me want to come back for more is the pleasure of the sexual tension. I experience it in his presence and that’s what I’m delighting in, and sad to say goodbye to. I have to admit that this is some of my motivation in wanting to continue to see him. Partly because I tantalizingly sense a mutuality (could-be-full-of-shit)—that there’s some pleasure in it for him, too. On whatever level…maybe it’s not so pejorative that the motive force is sexual. Perhaps it doesn’t discredit me entirely. Anyway, I don’t really trust guys and their self awareness level. Perhaps there is a mutuality going on, and since it’s vaguely disloyal to his wife he doesn’t even admit it to himself. (Again, I’m fully aware that NONE OF THIS may be going on for him at all). Still, introspection hasn’t been the strong suit of many guys I know, to the point where it CAN be almost a generalization. Almost a truism.)

I suppose some of it is the mystery of it, of not knowing whether it’s mutual and wanting some…closure on that. (Would it be enough to know that he has a mutual sexual-level connection with me?)

And if it is mutual, is it a disloyalty to his wife to share that with me, even if we DON’T actually consummate it. Is it possible to be friends and keep “that feeling” out of the picture, so as to not be disloyal to our spouses (less a concern for me, I think, than him). Is it ethical to pursue a friendship with a woman who is not your wife—even if sexual potential is way way background? Does it imply that there are things you can get from other women that you can’t get from your wife, and is that a disloyalty too?

I know that monogamy wise, (And I’ve been fierce about it) the “contract” is that if I love you, then that means I keep my body and sexual pleasure only for you, and even if an attraction that has nothing to do with me or my worth crosses your path, you will refrain from following it up on account of your love for me. (To do otherwise is grounds for heartbreak, pain, maybe dissolution of relationship) That’s where I felt so entirely betrayed by Mark. It seems the path of least resistance to feel that way; a cultural norm. Not, “I love you and sometimes I’m intrigued by the attractions of somebody else and I’d like to follow up on. It is not a reflection of a lack of loyalty to you, and certainly not a reflection on your worth.” God, ME thinking along these lines! I would have NEVER thought this would make a kind of sense to me.

9/27/05

The house is supposed to record today, the deed, that is, and then it is officially no longer ours (I keep thinking of it as mine). We should be called to be told; and unless we hear anything to the contrary it should be done by 5:00.

I was over there yesterday to meet the carpet guys. Then X came out to meet me from his house. They were going to go on a job, but he lingered some, talking with me. To my delight he responded with gladness to my suggestion that he come up to the house. He even said something about this week. So, for good or bad, there was some nice validation that maybe he enjoys my company like I do his.

I kept reminding myself that my thoughts and fantasies, pure, or not, are my business, and it’s also my business to keep them separate from my behavior. The uneasy part is wondering if sometimes, unconsciously to me, my behavior may be being shaped by them.

Because I suppose that the really ethical thing to do would be to stay far away from him, knowing that I am attracted to him, and it’s possible it’s a little mutual. I guess a consideration is if I can be content with the glow that comes from that attraction, mutual or not, without expecting anything further.

9/28/05

Alone in the house, which is kind of nice, except I’m not supposed to be alone in the house. Rick {our builder} was to have gotten here at 7—that’s what he said his plan is. And now it’s after 10. Various scenarios in my head interrupted my writing at this point.

I stopped by to drop off a book. I didn’t feel very whole within myself—just kind of scattered. But then today is the first day I haven’t needed to go over to the other house to either clean, or carry something back. So it makes sense that I’d be kind of jittery just with the pace of the last several months, and the effort this move has taken. I’m really not planning on moving again.

Maybe that’s part of the source of this heightened sexual feeling. Besides the medication…I think it has an effect too. Perhaps the way it stimulates I interpret as sexual.

He didn’t ask me to stay or offer me coffee and that’s fine…I was dropping by and I’m sure he had things to do. But he did say that he would return it directly to me, at my house. Now the book drop of the library is within a few blocks of his home. Maybe he just didn’t think of that. I suppose that if he were to call and say, “D-u-uh, I forgot all about the book drop. I’ll just use that!” then I’d know that most of this sigh, ‘fuss’ has all been silliness on my part, totally one-sided.

But the point is, I suppose what’s hanging me in there, is to warm myself by this glow that I feel, and to fantasize about that glow. But I don’t think I’d be a good “Other Woman” because even in my fantasies I don’t stop thinking about his wife. Then I remind myself that these are “just” fantasies, so in a fantasy, as long as it’s fantasy, I can imagine that his wife has given him permission.

This is fantasy, and probably one-sided, but I’m seeking that glow, and then I think I’m motivated by a desire to see how close to the line we come, of admitting mutual attraction, or revealing it somehow.

And that’s where I think maybe I’m doing wrong, and that it’s the best thing to just keep away. And the right thing. I was looking in my mind’s eye to see if I could find any literature where having sex with a married man, while married to someone else, turns out well, and I have to wryly smile that there’s not. That I can remember anyway. “Madame Bovary” comes to mind. I wonder if she was peri-menopausal.

I think some of this is an example of how my thoughts and fantasies DO influence my BEHAVIOR, in that they provoke a certain anxiety that causes me to behave a certain way. I feel fears that his wife is noticing that she’s hearing my name more than usual and may get a clue. Notice that I’ve been cropping up. I realize that any protective feelings I may sense from her are purely projection, and also in the realm of the fantasies.

I think this is just crazy one-sidedness gone a little nutty. I think he treats me the way he treats Val, and Ann, and Rob and Gary, for that matter. It’s kind of embarrassing, and I think I needed the insight into just how big the fantasies really are in my life and that they’re affecting my behavior.

I’m still with wanting an affair, I guess, but really he isn’t the right one. He would be if he weren’t married with kids. Like I said, it can’t be just anyone. It has to be someone who sparks that kind of warmth that I feel surrounding his presence, someone I genuinely like and laugh with. I have a feeling, that as in most marriages, an affair would devastate his, and it wouldn’t devastate mine. At best, the warmth of having such a side relationship would help me to tolerate a lot of the feelings that I have a lot with Gary’s and my interaction. At worst, I could get caught but I don’t think he would divorce me. It could function as his wake-up call. In a way it’s the only leverage I have in a relationship with someone who ignores things that are unpleasant. And harbors grudges and acts passively aggressive. They’re things that make my marriage to him unpleasant in a moment-by-moment way, but they’re not really divorcible offenses. When for the hundredth time he’s not followed through on something we’d agreed on, I may WISH I could divorce him, but it would be laughable to divorce him on the grounds that he hadn’t taken the trash out. It’s the little things, in total and a mass, that make me dislike my marriage to him. And divorce on account of those things is not really an option, and besides it would be yet another huge change in the lives of our boys. I can tell him that each time something like this happens that it kills something in our relationship, but he’s already ignored that leverage enough. He just absorbs the colder atmosphere between us and goes on. An affair says, “HEY!!! You’ve not been paying attention! This is for real how distant I feel from you. This is the reality that all those little unresolved exchanges over the years have led us to. That an affair feels like a viable alternative!” I don’t think I would care if he had an affair either. I think it would be fine with me, just so he doesn’t bring home any diseases, and vice versa.

It’s just my luck that the person I’ve been drawn to have an affair with is the absolute wrongest person.

But I’m silly in any sense to think that this is mutual.

So what are the possibilities in this situation?

1) It is totally one sided and the product of a silly medicated perimenopausal woman—completely unrequited except as neighbor/friends.

2) There is a mutual attraction that will go completely unspoken.
a) Now that we’re no longer neighbors it will go its own way and die
b) We’ll continue to get together and continue to act like friends and not get any closer to that line, but still all unspoken, so it’s not clear if he IS mutually attracted to me, or not

3) There’s a mutual attraction we acknowledge
a) we discuss it and acknowledge it’s not a good thing and resolve to manage our feelings and our behavior
B) We discuss it and throw caution to the winds and act on it. Not likely, since I believe he really loves his wife.

So I haven’t been able to have fantasies of him without seeing myself as a homewrecker.

I suppose this is a wake-up call for ME, that I think so little of the marriage to Gary that I’m going to act as if his behavior has nullified and voided our contract to be monogamous.

If he behaved toward me the way he did when he still liked me, I can see his behavior deteriorating now, when he doesn’t act like he likes me either. That whole thing with expecting me to guess that he wanted pictures of the house with the family in it and indicating that he thought it should have been a no-brainer that I knew that—that’s what people do when they dislike someone.

So I want an affair. Unfortunately with the wrong person, but nevertheless I know I want one by my feelings of want in this situation.

It’s curious to me that I keep flashing on the “nothing good can come of this” theme. Thinking of Madame Bovary, the famous adulteress. Remembering Erica Jong’s 70’s book, “Fear of Flying: and that main character’s search for “The Zipless Fuck” I don’t remember anything else about that book, but it seems there was some sort of come-uppance for the main character.

I do feel like I too am looking for a “Zipless Fuck” I’m not interested in romance, or courtship, or re-marriage and someone else parenting my boys. I’m looking for good sex with someone I like, whose presence brings a spark, and who I can laugh with. So I wonder if there is such a thing. Maybe even for years? A marriage with another relationship on the side. Again, it doesn’t seem to have any precedent in literature of working out well. Who am I to think I’ll be different?

Rick came a while ago with a partner and they’re working, and it’s beginning to get noisy so it’s probably better that I go take a walk.

A little later. The cable guy came to put a wire in downstairs so the eventual television will have a cable hook-up. He had an interesting manner, quite a presence that I noticed the second I opened the door. We talked a bit when he finished so I could sign the papers—he did a really nice thing in that he billed this as a trouble call that won’t cost us the service charge. We talked for a bit before he left, and he said, “You have really blue eyes.” He said it in an admiring sort of way. It sort of shocked me, but in a refreshing way. It was actually very nice.

It makes me wonder if something’s sticking out of me. Some pheromone or something.