The me-generated life vs the Me-generated life
4/16/07
1025 Mon
stoned today; stoned yesterday
Last Night’s Dream:
I’m visiting in a house with only 4 bathrooms & only 2 are working—Each time I go to one its occupied. I’m frustrated that they’re doing repairs NOW in a house full of guests. One of the guys is a friend of Helena’s, & I’m feeling attracted to him and it seems to be mutual. We laugh a lot & try to find ways to be together. In a car he puts his arm around me & I rest my head on his shoulder. He reminds me of Dwayne L from our music classes. There’s someone in the household who seems disapproving.We’re trying to get somewhere.
I woke and wrote that a little after 2 am. I had another dream before waking up which I didn’t write down because I was also getting the boys up. It seemed fairly straightforward to me and I didn’t think I’d forget it. And I realize that that one required a decision to lose. I can feel that point where I refused to go over it in my mind to keep it intact. I hardly noticed when I did it, but I see it now.
It had to do with moving.
I see a room which is like an apartment, and I see a bed in it with a red spread. In some ways this reminds me of a hospital room. I am in the process of leaving it and moving my stuff somewhere else, and the feeling is consistent with needing to move on from the room. My father comes to the door; the sense is that he is one of the people helping me move. There are times I can see myself walking in the hall, down a looooong hall, which is like looking down the hall of a motel.
I am feeling a little anxious today because I feel less open to being and feeling warm with Darlene. Still, I felt no doubts about Gary asking her the favor of us using the beach house, and babysitting the boys. Perhaps this sense of pulling back is due only to my disappointment that she’s busy this week end and can’t take the boys. I had been visualizing Gary and I alone together for the first time I think since Connor was born. Oh, with the exception of when we were moving—which hardly counts as intimacy. I had hopes that there would be ample uninterrupted time that would be a good base from which to move forward in our marriage.
Is it a decision that separates me from my sense of connection to the Greater Me. I choose living There, and it seems possible I may need to make myself aware every moment that I have a choice. And perhaps this is a parallel with Scott, when Sharon suggested doing for Scott what I would have wanted done for me.
Maybe I’m feeling less generous today because I’m a little depleted from a 3 day weekend with kids; often not harmonious. I wonder if there is a barometer that sensitive in me that can read fluctuations of my energy level.
To get back to Scott, it seems it’s a moment by moment choice to stay centered, Moment by moment I need to remind myself to continue choosing. I need to be choosing moment by moment to live from Me. Because I feel beset with doubts about my ability to really change my pattern by staying in Me. Maybe this is also part of what Sharon meant when she said that often ‘at this point’ people want to leave therapy, or they have dreams of death. And that it may be fear holding us back. I think when I asked Sharon about leaving I did have a sense that maybe I could take over from Here, being that I’ve already learned what I came to learn. Perhaps that was the first pangs of the older world pulling me back. Maybe the dulling of the pleasure of knowing This has to do with a raising up of the intensity of the fear. I’ve also seen myself objectify This, as in conceiving of it as a rabbit’s foot, or a device to make me feel better in the me-generated life. There’s a sort of conflict about the me-generated life vs the Me-generated life. One containing the other, but acting outside of the confines of the me-generated life—by being able to look at my responses in the me-generated life, and trace them back to beliefs they might be based on, and the decision to believe. In my Witness self be able to ask my me-generated self if I want to renew my decision or not. It’s important to me that I write about this other Self in capital letters. It is a Place that commands my involuntary respect. I think I’m getting an idea of the possibilities between living totally from within that Place, or living in my me-generated world, but while suckling from this Place.
I wonder what I (I almost said was) am afraid of. Maybe it’s a fear of being totally absorbed.
What was it Sharon and I said at the end of our session when it occurred to me that where I thought I may have been longing for closeness and suffering because I didn’t get it in the context I was raised on the level I craved, but there was a possibility that I had disowned the need for separation. Sharon suggested that that was a ‘sophisticated’ thought and I could sit with it for a while. Now it seems there was another part to that and I don’t remember. Another piece to that revelation. I guess I need to ask more about this.
1457
Last 20 minutes or so home alone. I’m not sure how to feel about today, meaning whether it counts as an expenditure or not. I spent the morning getting ready, mainly, doing a little news-checking and some clean-up. Then I went into st. Johns to run some errands—mail a couple packages, pick up some material at the library, visit a while with Don, and then go for a walk with Kathy. So I wasn’t home with the day stretching before me, and ‘traditionally’ that has counted as a ‘loss’ of a special day; the ideal being 5 days in a row with no obligations or commitments to fill. I have an element of that kind of feeling, but it may be from force of habit.
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