Microscopic agreements make a big difference
4/06/07
Good Friday
I’ve had a number of ideas move through my mind like a dream—difficult to recollect later. In fact, I just had a flash of last night’s dream and I hope it fleshes out. I just had an idea of setting my intention to recall my dream, from the place of my Silent Observer. Just to see what enhanced tools may be available to me, by understanding about agreements.
I don’t have to be in agreement with a world where I don’t get what I want. I have a sense that there is a level where I may have more access to more of my consciousness—memories, intuition and such. Things that could smooth my way a bit.
There is a fearful self that remembers I read my diary as I transcribed it yesterday, and there was a me then who thought I’d stumbled on something lifechanging. Nearly 30 years ago. Perhaps that was the promise that was being shown me of a place I could get to of self possession and peace. Perhaps it was a promise, of this, my immediate experience. That someday I would get Here. When I feel objections to my thoughts inside that I’m writing here, I’m able to see that there’s a choice of agreement implied. That a lot that has made up my moments and identity as a rather mournful person have been based on little teeny agreements I haven’t even been aware I was agreeing to. The little bits of each moment that my day is built on do add up into a sort of background atmosphere which colors my emotions. When I start noticing those agreements, I realize how many there are, and how they’re the threads of my fabric. So there are many components that I don’t have to agree to, now that I know in part they’re based on an agreement of some sort. I suppose to be an identity, and an identity with distinguishing characteristics. I hadn’t been aware before that much of those identifying characteristics are made up of all these little agreements. So who am I without the agreements? Just as, what are emotions when not filtered through memories of emotion?
I think that part of the nature of reality is that I do have far more choice than I’d imagined before. That just as there are subatomic particles that build my physical presence, there are also microscopic agreements that build my psychological and spiritual identity.
It really does seem like a new life is possible, with this kind of awareness. There is a part of me that’s still afraid it’s an illusion, but I’ve been getting to this point on very solid stepping stones. It makes sense that this is a level of being that’s hiding in plain sight, and is available to every human. And that I’ve walked every step it’s taken me to get here; this isn’t something to take on faith, it’s Real.
And it’s wonderful.
So, first I want to be staying alert to the levels of decisions that impact my emotional flavor. The decisions that may be adding a weight I don’t need to carry any more. I can re-decide, and just see what life is like without the weight of that decision; just as I saw what it was like to be with Gary without the weight of the consequences of our customary way of relating under stressful conditions. Without those fights and fights resulting from fights, the atmosphere was definitely superior to the customary, even if it wasn’t necessarily love-filled. But it did clear space for it. So if it’s not the optimum feeling, it’s because it’s not optimal that that space remain cleared, and perhaps there is room for love and loving feelings to move in.
So the little bits of last night’s dream: there’s a feel of a road-trip about it. Some sort of hotel breakfast restaurant—one of those little places I remember being in often as we drove when I was a kid. In this dream I have a sense of leaving it, and there are other people with me…there’s also a ghost of that dream about needing to walk a hallway to a hotel room to get something. There’s also a sense of being in a car looking out the windshield as we pull out of the parking lot of a restaurant and onto the road.
There is/was a resemblance to the hotel room we were in in Susanville; and to the café where we ate breakfast; the walking out of its doors. Swinging door. Glass, transparent door.
4/07/07
Last night’s dream. Again, I’m up at the Tilly Jane cabin, with my book reading group. I realize I’m not prepared; I forgot my sleeping bag and my sleeping pad. The members of the group say it doesn’t matter, that we’ll all just sleep out on the snow. I’m apprehensive more about whether the snow underneath me will be comfortable or hard, like sleeping on the floor—more that than whether the snow will leach the heat from my body.
I have an idea about being able to get into the Ranger cabin to get a spare sleeping bag that I think is in there, and spare sleeping pad. I’d face the night with much more confidence with those. But I don’t know the code to the lock; neither do I have a key. There is some sort of other cabin up there that has a food service of a sort…maybe it’s Cloud Cap. I think my friend Rich K might be working there, and if he is he may have the key, and/or the combination. But the woman who is there says he’s not working that day. It’s dark in there, and a little dirty kind of like a bar, with lots of narrow and dark hallways that I try to navigate to see if I can find Rich or someone else who might have the information about where he is. I’ve also tried the avenue of using my cell phone to try to reach Blanca, to find out if Rich is up on the mountain or not. But I can’t remember their number and neither does anyone who knows him.
In the meantime the book reading group has set up a set of beds and bedding—one spot next to the other and a bunch of blankets piled on top. I don’t know if there’s one for each of us or not, or if there is less, and we’re just supposed to kind of squeeze everyone on what’s available. I’m also embarrassed that I haven’t contributed to this set-up because of my ill preparedness, and so I don’t feel right about choosing one of the choicer middle spots without being invited to…since I’m not prepared I feel I should choose one of the end positions, though I’ll probably be a lot colder there since there will only be a body to warm me on one side. So while I’m hesitating and hoping that someone will invite me in toward the center I’m seized with a need to urinate. The toilet in the ranger cabin is not available to me, so I start walking along the snow-covered trail back toward the camping areas, and the other big cabin that’s open to all. There is a shower in there (in this ordinarily very basic cabin), and a toilet. The shower is immediately next to the toilet, which is brimming with logs of shit and stained toilet paper. There is a man in the shower, and it’s so tiny that every time he moves the curtain moves perilously close to the shit-filled pot. It seems a convenient arrangement for him tho, because he occasionally will swing his butt over the mounded top to add a little more. It’s supposed to be a flush toilet, (some innovation that had been added), but it’s been overwhelmed. I imagine myself trying to crouch above the mess to pee, and the possibility of this guy hitting me with his body the next time he swings over and decide to go find a place outside. As I’m walking there are lots of people on the trail coming toward me. I’m barefoot, but it’s not painful on my feet, so I decide to press on and not go back for my boots. I’m just looking for a short- term solution—the first tree that will provide enough cover that I can pee and get it over with. It’s not easy to find, but it’s sort of white-out conditions and so I move up on a steep scree slope so I’m out of sight. There actually are some guys who come up too, but they’re absorbed in what they’re saying to each other so I decide this was as favorable as it was going to get and so I partially pull my pants down and squat and let it pour—lots. I’m on the verge of being noticed I think. Then I realize I’ve climbed up a slope steeper and higher than I’d realized, but it’s an easy slide down in the loose rocks.
Later
Busy day today, with a high point of the coming of a golden retriever to live with us. The boys are nuts about her, and I think she’s going to be a good addition. She’s very beautiful and well-dispositioned. She’s impressed us all favorably except the cat. Who hasn’t shown her face for a while.
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