Po.rn Woes
02/07/07 Wed 1245
I’ve spent a whole morning trying to deal with the fact that the security system on the boys’ computer is letting porn through. I got a little distracted and viewed more than I needed to. So now I need to delete it from the history so the boys don’t stumble across it. Amazing, to spend a whole day on this. Amazingly frustrating.
Last night’s dream: Gary and his brother and his mother are going on some kind of road trip. I can’t remember if my boys are active in this dream or not. I’m not liking it at all, having to be in a car with Gary’s mother. Furthermore, it’s HER car, which must be one that Gary’s told me about before; one of those old bubble buick’s. Built like a tank, heavy. Hard to drive; hard to see out of. It seems like she’s got some sort of side-saddle seat set-up in the back. There’s something peculiarly difficult about her; I don’t know if it’s that we have to keep stopping for her to get something, or to use the restroom, or what. All I know is that I’m really uncomfortable, I’m not having much ability to control the showing of my irritation, and I badly want to just leave. At one point I’m even driving the car, and that doesn’t feel good either because it’s so cumbersome. I think I leave, over Gary’s objections. In my mind I don’t care that that means she gets her sons to herself.
Later:
As I was writing, the hard drive and disks with my pictures and documents came. It’s so good to have them back and one of my projects tomorrow is to reintegrate everything. That and try to figure out the privacy service so my boys can’t get into porno.
Good talk with Sharon tonight.
02/09/07
Ahhh. I think I have all my work now back together and reintegrated.
I had a very interesting dream. It was as if I was visiting in New York and was back at that Church of the Nazarene; Trinity. Nothing looked the way my waking memory tells me it looked, but in the dream it all looked familiar. They’d put in a swimming pool. There were some people there I knew then; I think Karen B was there. Most of the people there I thought had come to the church long after I’d left New York with my family. So I didn’t really have an expectation that many remember me. I thought of one of my friends from the Jr. high school, but then I remembered he was catholic and so wouldn’t be found at this church most likely. I remembered the surprise going away party that the church had done for me; how we ran around and it was a very good time. These people really hadn’t known me that long…tho I felt I’d been there forever—but really I probably only went to that church 5 mo. In the dream I tried to calculate how long it had been since I’d gone to the church, remembering I’d been 14 back then. In my dreams my math computation skills aren’t so great, as is true in waking life. Anyway, there’s a pool there now and I mention my surprise that the church had gotten a pool. It didn’t look like it was meant for recreational swimming, even though it was big enough. The water looked black and there was a sort of inhospitable rock edge surrounding it, which reminds me of a grand home that’s fallen into disrepair and neglect. People were friendly and I was anticipating the moment when they’d ask us to introduce ourselves and I was going to introduce myself as someone who had attended that church 36 years ago and how nice it is to visit. I remembered a fragment from one of my old counseling sessions with Sharon where I told her about this church and how I’d felt genuinely happy there. I felt happiness as a distinct feeling inside of me, tangible. Sharon described this community I’d found as being in a higher state of consciousness, and I believe that thought was with me in the dream. Maybe I was visiting it with Karen. And, briefly I saw a friend of mine from the Nazarene church in Colo, but mainly this was the New York group.
02/10/07 Sat 0725
Dream last night:
This part may have been a dream within a dream. I can’t remember if I was somewhere and watched it on TV, or if I was on the phone and was on hold and heard it live from whatever radio they have for hold filler, or if I dreamed it, or if I dreamed one of the above scenarios. At any rate I was very eager to tell it to Sharon. The ‘dream’ was that I was talking to my mother, I think, and then there was some sort of interruption concerning transmissions from a pilot in a plane or helicopter that was going down. It was live, and gripping, and very wrenching when it was clear he’d (in this case it was a male pilot) was unable to pull away from it and did indeed crash. Perhaps this happened while I was waiting—no it was a dream, but I couldn’t wait to tell Sharon because it seemed very significant somehow. Or perhaps I was watching children in some sort of day care setting; that seems plausible. It seems there was a sort of general horror, like lots of people had been following this on television or something. Anyway, I’m at Sharon’s waiting room, only this one is quite large with several people around. There’s a kitchen close by. I’ve bought some sorts of donuts, and I think I want to get some coffee. Time is short; it seems very rushed. We’re running late and I’m not sure if it was because her prior appt ran over, or if because I was late. Anyway, there’s this frantic trying-to-pull-everything-together thing going on where both she and I are feeling rushed. I keep running back and forth to the common kitchen to grab things I’ve forgotten. Then, once in the room I can see that we’re late but I’m hoping that maybe we’ll get the full hour in anyway…but there are a couple women in the room, and I’m getting nervous because there’s no sign that they’re planning on leaving. In fact they’re acting like they belong there. So I’m looking questioningly at Sharon. In fact, one of the women sits next to me on the sofa. I get the feeling she’s like a student or something, but Sharon hasn’t told me anything about a session being observed, and I don’t know who this other woman is. I’m feeling perplexed, and then frustrated because part of my inclination is to just go with this, but another part of me was too revolted. Then in the back of my mind there was the awareness of having committed to paying for this time, and would I have to pay for it if I left, and a feeling that I would NOT pay for it because the terms of that were that it be just me, and her, in a totally safe environment, private, and this was not that. Then one of the women and I had a sharp exchange and I expressed to Sharon my whole irritation about this, and she said something like I “hadn’t got me the m&m’s I’d asked for” (presumably from the kitchen—she HAD asked me for some creamer for her coffee and had said something about a ‘tube’ and I hadn’t known what she meant and hadn’t found it. I got up and left.
I woke feeling VERY heavy, very sad and kind of lost. Part of my conflict in the dream was that I’d REALLY WANTED to share that dream I’d had about the crashing plane, badly enough to weigh doing it even under these circumstances, but I just couldn’t imagine it being possible without the feeling I’ve come to associate with being in her office.
02/11/07 Sunday 0742
As I was driving to the store yesterday I remembered another part of the above dream that was significant and struck me as a surprise that I’d forgotten it and that it surfaced the way it did. I resolved to go home and write it down, and of course by the time I was done shopping it had slipped my mind. It was later that I remembered that I’d remembered another startling detail of the dream, but had since forgotten. Shit.
Last night’s dream had to do with me visiting someone in a hospital. Then I’m sort of talking with women in wheelchairs; maybe waiting for some sort of procedure, and then I’m assisting a nurse in putting someone back to bed. I ask the nurse if they’ve reinstated the cancer rehab program at the hospital and if they need any therapists and she smiles and says yes to the question about cancer rehab being back and is a little coy about a position for physical therapy opening up. But the implication is yes. There’s a sense that it’s a little earlier than what I’d anticipated, a little earlier than I thought I’d feel ready. Then later in the dream I’m telling my parents that I’m going to divorce Gary. I tell them I’m aware that they have a belief that you should stick to it no matter what for the kids, but I ask them if having kids grow up in the presence of constant misery is any better for them.
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