Contact with my former therapist after 13 years
12/07/06
Sharon called me back. She said that my message to her was so rich that she felt we needed to talk, and she’d like to have a session with me so we could see where I’m at and talk about whether this study group is the right thing for me.
I felt a little like a poser, in a way, in having imagined myself as a sort of equal in terms of mentorship, the more subservient ‘patient’. I’d even had a sort of imagination of myself asking her out for a cup of coffee, or asking if she ever joined former clients for coffee. And underneath was a sense of pride and wanting to ‘show’ her how much I’ve grown. To approach someone who’d been my guide on my own firm footing. I guess I felt that underlying sensation, or undercurrents rocked my boat a little, and in ways I hadn’t expected. And a part of me heard, in her suggestion that we have a session to see if this study group is right for me, that maybe something in my message to her had seemed unbalanced, unstable, or maybe that I ‘might not be ready” for this group, or even a sort of screening. And that made me feel peculiar. I mean, having those shades of feelings while in conversation with her was odd and a little disconcerting. So in a sense, maybe there is more to joining a group that she’s heading than what I’d originally considered. I had imagined just joining in seamlessly (and I think the fact that this was a discussion group that was posted on the internet meant it was fairly open, sort of a drop-in/drop-out—I mean as far as formality goes), and casually, really. I was interested because of the connection I’d gotten from this book that Helena had recommended to me, though I hadn’t read far enough yet by that time to see the view I’m seeing now. I did feel an opening inside too I think, about the process starting with Sharon has made some insight that may be producing some dynamic change—how the ability to listen to my insides without judgment has enabled me to see this Me. That’s why I contacted her.
I did share the fact of those fears with her—not so much of the desire to ‘meet her as an equal’, but whether or not she was trying to ascertain if I was ‘ready’. She said that wasn’t her motivation, but just to see where I am in my process, and for us together to mutually see if it’s a good idea for me. She mentioned that I’m at a certain place in my Process, and since we’d had a rough ending some 13 years ago, she wondered if there might be some sort of conflict, or did she say dualism, within the two of us that might mar my process.
Here’s the message I sent her:
Hi, Sharon, it’s me, D…C… I was in therapy with you
for 7 years.
It’s so interesting that I would stumble across Ken Wilbur when
looking for you. A friend of mine had recommended a book
called “Putting On the Mind of Christ” by James Marion and I
see that he bases most of his book on what he’s learned from
Ken Wilbur.
I’ve not read any Wilbur before, but I’m intrigued. Marion
talks about developmental stages of religion and Christianity
and likens them to the developmental stages that children’s
intellectual paths take. I remember years ago in college when
learning about the stages in terms of Piaget how excited I
felt, because I think I had an intuition that these applied in
the spiritual realm as well.
I was looking for you because nearly daily I have some reminder
of how I use what I learned from being with you. And I realize
it is actively shaping my process; I know what you mean now
when you spoke of connecting with my Self. I know what you
mean now about being ‘up out of yourself’. I see the
possibility of living from ongoing engagement of that Self.
Reconnecting There and being able to live from that Self is
like a skill, though much more…
Anyway, how does it work, this study group? Do I have to have
read the book, or as far as you’re discussing? Is coming in at
any time ok, or is there more of a structure where I should
wait for a beginning point and so start at the same point as
other members?
The last time I saw you (at Gwenn C & Steve S’s
blessing for their newborn son Nathan) I was pregnant with my
oldest son, Connor, at the same time your daughter was
pregnant. Don’t know if your grandchild is a boy or girl.
7 years ago we moved away from Portland for a job opportunity
for Gary in St. Louis. We were there 5 years, and had a good
life there. It’s kind of disorienting though to think of the
same life, but such different contexts. Our second boy Scott
was born there. We moved back to Portland 2 years ago when Gary
got a job offer. Moved up on the ridge to get the kids
closer to school. I’ve been home with children since our move
to Missouri; and Scott entering kindergarten has made me realize
how I’ve craved some quiet and thinking time.
I’d be curious to know, if you ever wanted to share it, how
your work with Dawn Taylor shaped your practice, and if it’s
part of your foundation now?
I treasure the ongoing gift of deep transformational work. I
hadn’t realized, as I do now to my delight, how it was a living
thing and I’m just beginning to see its shoots. The dream I
had once and told you about, about pulling up things I’d
planted to see if they were growing, I understand it now.
Thank you, Sharon, from my heart.
—————————————————————-
Yow. I just googled Ken Wilber, and not really for the right reasons. I just wanted to see if I could find his book that Sharon’s using without having to track her down again. I think I’ll know the title when I see it. So I just found a website for him, and realized I probably should have had as my primary motivator looking to see who this guy IS, and what he is about. I suppose it came from rereading my letter to Sharon…but now I can’t remember just how.
Maybe the connection was in wondering if I really wanted to join this group anyway? As usual, I do have an abiding interest in preserving what quiet and thinking time that I do have. The way I am with most things, I imagine I’d see it as an impingement on my alone time.
DO I really want to join this group? I think I took my cue from Sharon; and I think she was reading a more intentional purpose about the group than I’d really intended. After all, I’d not even heard of this guy before noticing his forward in Marion’s book. Do I want to join the group badly enough to pay for a therapy session before I go?
I did have a hint of feeling a need to find support from others in continuing this path.
Feeling the difference between weighing decisions and second-guessing.
I do intend to see Sharon, and I guess I needed to account for the unexpected feelings I had, and realize that our past history could have an influence. I guess I needed to acknowledge that.
Just a comment on where I’m at in my 1977 diary…the part that I said is sort of like the bruise on flesh. I think what that was about was that I was fooling myself in embracing Mike, and I knew it. That may be part of what gives it the sort of sour-milk smell that’s associated with that episode. Part of it is that I wanted to “be fooled”, and that I pushed on past some important signals that I didn’t feel entitled to use as information. I didn’t let them weigh in, and in fact was prejudiced against them in my effort to not be prejudiced against Mike.
On the other hand, tho, I see that even back when I was 20 I had the inkling about engaging reality creatively (I think I called it “creating/making your own reality” I had a sense about needing to be tolerant of my mistakes as being part of a larger process where learning really was taking place, even though I was nowhere near able to put that into practice. I also had a vision for a relationship that would be a safe place to make mistakes while pursuing a goal of living fully.
I also shouldn’t forget that Mike was 8 years older than me.
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