Let’s just cut to The Big Fight
10/27/06
I get confused using this ‘new’ Muscle. I find myself trying to suppress ‘negative thoughts’. In fact in some ways I’m quite confused about what this means, to have touched It for a much longer period of time than previously. I’m still subject to irritations, indulgences of my own need to be right. One thing to examine is how I’ve used ‘healthy’ communication in the past. By that, I mean attempting to be as honest as possible about myself with other people. I really tried to not use that as a weapon, as a way to mask hostility with a veneer of ‘healthiness’. I have a strong feeling now that that concept of that level of honesty IS perceived as hostility; mainly because most people have no other paradigm to place that in. I agree with Marshall Rosencranz that the very language we grow up with predisposes us to alienation, isolation, and violence. And in that context it really is the most direct perception of honesty.
To get back to the other day when I was talking about having mean thoughts about friends when I’m with them, I think it’s a way inside of saying, “I have these thoughts, too. Am I not being honest with you if I don’t say them? Would you still love me if I did? Can I still love me, knowing that I have these thoughts?
It’s sort of getting back to that principle that once humans get started on a certain path, be it religion or whatever, there is a tendency to take it to a logical extreme. I guess that’s what John Irving was symbolizing in “The World According to Garp” where he had a group of feminists cutting out their tongues in solidarity with a young woman who’d been raped and her tongue cut out. Or in “Geek Love” where people began dismembering themselves to make themselves similar to a circus ‘freak’ who’d been formed with flippers and a tail, instead of legs. It’s in lawyers definitions, such as of ‘tough interrogation techniques’ that spell out what one cannot do, but are only interested in the letter of the law, and anything that comes right up to the boundary but ‘technically’ doesn’t cross it is ‘legally’ ok; it’s in finding a way around the ‘definition’ of a banned weapon so that ‘technically’ international law isn’t being broken in using it…and its in fundamentalism.
I get scared when I have those critical thoughts. I get scared that they’re going to ruin something or put me out of balance so I’m not behaving as I’d like. Or somehow will influence an event so it goes poorly and leaves an uncomfortable sensation instead of one of well-being. Once in harmony I fear losing that harmonious feel. There’s a clenching around that. I want to feel happy, exuberant, even joyful all the time.
10/30/06
One of those torn mornings…it’s funny how long things take. This 7 hours allotted to me daily seems to have shrunk time, rather than lengthen it. So I made a couple calls, put some ingredients in the bread machine, peeled and cut some squash for a soup tonight. That took longer than I expected, especially peeling the squash. It seems like it shouldn’t have taken so long to get that done. And I could be out right now, thinning out the lilac bush/tree.
Mom called, and that took quite a while since I answered on the desk phone instead of the cordless. My goodness, how her conversation wanders. I realized I was feeling anxious, because I would try to say something but either couldn’t because she was still talking, or I’d interrupt her and that would be uncomfortable. It finally occurred to me to just relax and let her carry the conversational ball. And let the conversation bounce where it may. My mom. You have to be careful what you tell her because she’ll worry about it. I know that sometimes there are areas where the lines are a little blurred about what’s our own to be concerned about, and what clearly belongs to someone else. Mom doesn’t realize it, but she stretches for things to worry about. So it must be hard to be mom, because how can you ever rest? It sort of reminds me of the two characters in ‘Geek Love’ who were twins conjoined at the hip. One was rather ruthless, and the other sort of helplessly along for the ride, wailing the whole way. It’s as if my mom becomes that wailing one—it seems compulsively so; she just can’t resist ‘joining’ herself to someone else’s life and then wanting them to cease doing whatever they’re doing so she won’t worry.
These things used to really bother me about her and seem less a factor in how I feel about her in the present. That is, they don’t diminish my affection for her like I once thought they did.
It was such a nice state of grace I experienced last week after I consciously became aware of the sensation of putting on a deeper Me. I felt varying degrees of distress when I felt removed from that sensation. It’s not always easy to behave in keeping with that True Self. And I still feel rather clueless when I get annoyed with Scott, and with Gary, if I’m then not living true to that inner core. Last night…things become a power struggle with Gary. That’s what happened last night over
Maybe they’re angry, not because they see me ‘pushing you around’, but because *they* can push you around. That just now occurred to me. Maybe they see me framed in such a way that I am ‘not the type of person to disrespect’, and you framed in such a way that you DO appear to be someone it’s appropriate to disrespect.
Something else that occurred to me was how little things, silly things really become a power struggle with you and me. The thing with the lights on last night, what that was about was much more than turning on a light bulb. It seemed to be very important to you that I not get my way on that one, and when I took it anyway you got very angry and started disparaging my need for it. We’ve had similar struggles about me using the pillows the way I do, the temperature of the house, the heater on and off in the car.
When you said that about the boys being angry because they see you letting me push you around, it made me wonder if you feel pushed around, by me, in the larger sense—something that’s much bigger than pillows and lights. I wonder if you feel dominated by me in the overall scheme of our marriage? It seems likely. Perhaps the little things are emblematic of the Big Thing, and that’s why they become so intense. I’d really rather we move our fight to The Big Thing, instead of simmering in hostility over these little things. We’re wasting our energy dealing with these little symptoms rather than going to the heart of the thing.
So my version of what happened last night was that you didn’t want me to turn on the light, even for a few moments when I felt that I needed it. I just wanted to find my pajamas and not have to grope around by feel, and not have to grope around to make sure I had my pillows. I didn’t want to have to listen to you once again making remarks about my need to have my pillows just so. I turned on the light over your objections and because you were angry you said things to discredit my desire for the light, and to say I shouldn’t need it and there was something wrong with me that I did. I became angry, and then I did something I shouldn’t have. I should not have sent the boys back in with the encouragement to pester and harass you. I was wrong to have done that, not just to you but to the boys as well. I felt alienated from you and because I was angry didn’t have the good will that it would have take to have cooperated with you to calm the boys down. I wanted to leave, and I wanted you to see what calming the boys without my help would be like.
I really would like to resolve The Big Fight, rather than keep piddling away on these little ones. I am trying to change, and not be so susceptible to these little mini-fights for the sake of having a more peaceful household for our boys. But, like you saw last night, sometimes I fail.
Love,
D
That above occurred to me as I was writing, so I thought I’d send it on to Gary.
One of the possibilities I considered when feeling that lovely experience of grace last week was that I’d been unconsciously browbeating people to my approach to communication and authenticity. I’ve already recognized an aspect of me that is very literal-minded and wants to do the correct thing ‘to the letter’. I believed I was doing the right thing in being as honest as I could in communicating. Maybe behind it there was a domineering push, and smugness that I was doing it ‘correctly’ and others were not. I suppose people like Darlene, Gary, my parents would say that. Do I owe a bunch of apologies, and is even the impulse to do that coming from a self-righteous adherence to “the right thing”?
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