Rant
06/03/06
God, what a fucking fuck head. I’m going to rant, because I’m furious,. Shit head says he doesn’t want to do the vacuuming any more because he “doesn’t feel like it”. he agreed to it, and now he says he doesn’t want to any more. But that’s not what I’m pissed about. I knock myself out to make a nice meal; Connor comes upstairs and he’s angry because his game cube game isn’t working right, and then he rejects what I’ve cooked. But it’s not that he just says he doesn’t want it: he says it ‘makes me sick’ and he ‘can’t stand it’. Then Scott’s complaining and yelling.
Gary’s got this idea in his head that won’t yield to extenuating circumstances that says: “The person who cooks the dinner serves the food.” World without end amen, amen. I serve up the boys
Later:
I’m feeling pretty good about having found myself a place to escape to. Nice coffee shop with the extra benefit of wi-fi. St. Johns, and it’s true to St. Johns, although it has the look much more than St. Johns was able to achieve. Coffee’s cold, but hey, I’m in a recliner chair, plugged in to power (I’d left the house with only about 30% power remaining on the laptop—found a place I could park outside and pick up the wifi there—they were closed. But I quickly ran out of power on the battery and thought I could find it at Starbucks. Well, they’re closed, but this is a perfectly comfortable spot and I have til 11. By then they’ll be asleep at home. So what should I do? Listen to a news program? Write some more in here? Continue my diary project?
What would I be like as a mother if I felt truly supported by Gary?
I’m not sure it’s really appropriate for me to be taking anti-depressants. I think I’m situationally depressed. I’m depressed because I’m in a situation that has me constantly exposed to unhappy feelings. It’s sort of like my childhood, too, I guess. There was a remark that Lucy Grealy made in her book—about being unable to “locate herself” in the tangle of unhappy feelings that was within her family, she assumed that the source of unhappiness was herself. I did that too, made the assumption that I was unhappy because I deserved it.
And, sadly, my boys live in an atmosphere of unhappiness.
I was tired tonight, not feeling the most upbeat because of the thing with Connor. Gary was at the table; had his plate over there and had put some green beans on it and was eating them. It’s just not the cue that told me that he was waiting for me to put some food on his plate. I figured he’d get himself some food from the stove when he was ready…I had some food, not because I’d served myself, but because Connor had rejected the plate I’d given him. So the boys were served, even if they were rejecting what they’d been served, Gary was eating, so I sat down at the plate that Connor didn’t want. Then Gary’s there waiting for me to ‘serve’ him. Christ, I was having a hard time and he wanted me to get up from my food to ‘serve’ him? I probably shouldn’t, but I think he was a jerk. He kept saying it was ‘mean’ that I “served everybody else” but him, and seemed unable to get it that the “everybody else” WERE CHILDREN!
05/04/06
What will make life bearable, at least for me with Gary, are changes in the behaviors that drive our various recurring themes:
1) doesn’t answer me when I talk to him
2) expects me to know what he’s thinking or wanting/unreasonable and unfair expectations
3) dismisses me when I express a concern or that my feelings are hurt or try to clear up a misunderstanding
4) uses an annoyed tone with me—doesn’t show basic courtesy
5) doesn’t keep his agreements
6) doesn’t initiate help with the kids; resentful when I ask for it.
7) makes mistakes that cost me in effort and time and doesn’t acknowledge them; I feel that is disrespectful of what I do—treats me like a servant
OK, a little more—it’s about 11:30 at night now.
Another two typical things happened with Gary today. One was that I’d bought a pole pruner yesterday, and it was missing a saw blade. I didn’t catch that—I didn’t know to look. It was all in a package and it didn’t occur to me that the object wouldn’t be in a sealed package. So I told Gary I’d take it back today. This morning he asked if I was going to do that, and I said yes. Now in my mind I thought I had til 4;30 when the store closed. It was showering a lot outside and I didn’t think he’d be wanting to do pruning on a rainy day. There didn’t seem to be any hurry. I was planning on taking Scott with me, because there were some baby ducks I thought he might enjoy seeing, and he was occupied with something, and I thought why disturb him when he’s happy; when he gets bored, that’s the time to take him. well, what I didn’t know was that Gary WAS planning to prune, rain or not. Had I known I’d have gone sooner. In the early afternoon when I was sitting and reading a book he asked me if I was going and I said yes, in a bit after Scott was done with what he was doing. Then he said something about waiting on me to do this so he could prune. I was honestly surprised. I honestly didn’t know that “are you going to get the pruner” meant, “please get it soon because I’m waiting to use it today.” when I said I hadn’t known he said that he shouldn’t have to “spell out every detail” for me and that stung. He kept saying that we’d discussed it, and I kept responding that he hadn’t SAID he was wanting it early, that I’d thought because it was raining that there was no hurry so I had no clue that he had some urgency about wanting it. So he was just waiting around and waiting, not saying anything, like: “Debora, I was planning on using that today and I’d like to get to it before it gets too late”. I made an analogy to a battery where the two parts need to be IN CONTACT for electricity to flow; if there’s a gap then it won’t. I said that HE’D known what he wanted to do…and the missing piece was him making sure that I knew what he wanted, because I was perfectly willing to do that and would have had it done if I’d known what he wanted.
This is a big one between us; where he thinks he’s presented all the clues and I should be able to make the leap across that gap, and that there is a lack in me that I needed a little more from him. I said that now the shoe is on the other foot and how does he like being the one kept waiting? And he couldn’t remember at all all the times he’s kept me waiting…reading his paper when we’re planning on doing something, then having to take a shower, then needing to brush his teeth. We’ve had big issues and resentments over me pointing out that he fritters away time and it’s not until noon that we start with any projects we’d had planned. But he couldn’t remember having ever kept me waiting.
Then a little while later he left the front door standing open. This is another long-standing conflict with us—I prefer the door to stay closed since there are bee attracting plants just outside our front door and I don’t want any bees or flies to get in the house. So for years I’ve been asking him to close the door, and for years he’ll do it for a while, then start leaving it open again. So he left it standing open today and I said, “Gary, I really would appreciate it if you closed the door”. I think he said something like “Why” and I said, “because I don’t want there to be bees in the house.” And he said, “It’s OK.” And I said, “but it’s not ok with me that there are bees in the house.” And he said, “I guess you’re going to get your way as usual.”
I went to the door and said, “I told you that I don’t like bees in the house and you dismissed what I said and told me it was OK for them to be in the house. I don’t like it when you say that something that is important to me shouldn’t be.” He said, “Well you can’t always get your way” and I said, “This is a reasonable request. It is reasonable to not want bees in the house.” And he said, ‘I’ve never seen bees in the house.’ and I said, “That’s because you’re not home during the day and don’t get home until after 7:00. Of course you’ve never seen bees in the house.”
I feel frantic inside when I realize that the way things are between us is like cement that is starting to set up, and soon that will be the reality for the boys—that this is going to be their context and the background that they grow out of. That we’re losing our window to input enough positive things that they’ll remember having grown up in a happy home. And grow up with that sense of security behind them, rather than the conflicted and unhappy feelings that are ever more becoming their backdrop. We’re losing this opportunity for them to grow up with a happy home as part of their background.
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