The dawning of an idea and running away
3/34/06
Wow, this is so cool. With our new scanner I can scan my old diaries and save them to the computer documents. That means I can integrate some of my hand-written notes with the computer journal. I started that last night. It’s sort of cumbersome, and it makes me wonder if it might be possible to streamline it a little. Still, it gives me capability that I only imagined happening. Sometimes I do like the feel of writing by hand. In a little book.
I’ve been thinking some more about anxiety, and a conversation with Marsha this morning reminded me of some writing I’d done about that in the last few weeks. About a certain base level of anxiety, tension, potential that exists inside people, and that often our society deals with it by covertly agreeing to an agenda of: ‘don’t raise my anxiety level and I won’t do anything to raise yours.” And that is why most people take it as a threat if you are emotionally honest with them. And feel threatened, even if you assure them that no threat is meant. I think this base level of anxiety that some people tolerate better than others is responsible for the phenomenon of mob action—and that it’s relatively easy to set off and then god help you if you happen to be in its path—because you will be obliterated, even though it’s not rational, you had nothing to do with whatever started it.
Gary’s taking Connor over to a school friend/basketball teammate’s house to play some basketball. I’m hoping he’ll take Scott. Just got the good word. He’s not.
I think that Bush declaring war was a huge mistake, after 911. I think he should have concentrated on striking back at Afghanistan, who harbored terrorists (although, I guess I don’t know to what extent. I don’t know if the 19 hijackers had anything to do with Afghanistan, though –I think the main Afghan connection was that of the Taliban with Osama BinLaden. I don’t think it was necessary to declare war. They were ABLE to get through our defenses because our defenses were flimsy, and plagued by miscommunication. It seems like the bulk of our resources should be on plugging those leaks. It was those leaks that ENABLED the terrorists. They would have been caught, and the plans foiled, if EXISTING mechanisms had been working the way they should have. Declaring war enabled a seizure of power, and a scared American public has allowed it. If the existing mechanisms had been functioning as they should, and communication had flowed like it should have, chances are that they would not have succeeded. So there isn’t a need to wiretap Americans’ phones without a warrant, or give the government increased authority to get into our private lives.
3/26/06
Awwww, fuck. I’m at a teashop hoping to take advantage of their wireless to access the internet and have some peace here to do some checking up on the news and relax a bit. Seems I’m screwed in that, though; because though I’m connected, I’m getting “unable to locate server” messages and not able to get to a web page. And the help pages are opening painfully slowly. So I may not meet that desire, and after a big disappointment already today. I’m here because Gary and the boys are home, when they were supposed to be gone to Seattle, leaving after the birthday party Scott went to. Gary woke not feeling well. I felt a sick feeling, that they might not leave today, and got breakfast ready for Cheri coming over this morning. It was an extremely difficult morning, even before she got to our place. (Aw, I’m so glad! I was able to find a way to make a connection, successfully after some searching. I’ve got some time; maybe I’ll whine later.)
Ok, got the news in and feel a bit more caught up.
I’m a little torn, because I’m still here at the tea shop, and I know that Gary wants me home to put the boys to bed so he can work on the taxes. I know that to his thinking I’m being very selfish—that he’s sick and that I should be more of a grown-up about this set-back. Really, I was just crushed when I walked into the house after walking with Cheri to find him on the phone to his dad saying, “we’ll see you tomorrow.” I started crying…I was counting on being alone in the house tonight; bummed because of the knowledge that his not leaving tonight shortens by many hours the amount of time I’ll have to myself. And so I took the boys to the movies, as I’d planned, and I took them to a birthday party of one of Scott’s classmates, so he was alone at home from 11:45 to 5:00. Got home with the boys and pretty much turned them over to him; found a place with free internet and left shortly after. He said, “I’m not putting the boys to bed. I need you here.” And I said, “What would you have done if you’d left tonight? I’m leaving.”
I’d been living for the moment that they’d leave. It’s just been a very difficult period, with kids home either sick or holidays, and Gary working very late every night. Scott in an especially whiny period, like this morning when Cheri was there, and Gary just sitting there and me handling all of it. As I’d handled everything while he rested in the bedroom and I was pulled in a number of directions at once as I fixed breakfast (making lots of mistakes), and Connor needed me to pay attention to him while Scott was so demanding and needed constant intervention from me. I was feeling positively harried, just more of the same after a difficult last week, and difficult week before and so on ad infinitum.
Still, my sense of entitlement is shaky, especially since I know he’s probably feeling very righteous that I should have stepped up to this since he really couldn’t avoid getting sick. And I’m aware too that doing this is probably eroding any good will that might incline him to stay a little longer away since they’re not leaving til tomorrow; and also to leave EARLY tomorrow.
Still, it’s a measure of how frazzled I feel that in the face of that I just don’t have the resilience to absorb this—I feel the equivalent of having held my breath for a minute (60 seconds, a very long time to hold your breath), and just waiting for a sweet inhale and being told that I have to wait another 30 seconds. I don’t think he gets it that I’m truly at the end of my…what…but that after being denied so much time all this last week to be denied again and expected to be a good sport about it is too much for me. So there’s a way that it seems right to dump the thing in his lap—let him deal with deciding what to have for dinner and being the one-man show in fixing it…let him juggle the kids’ needs while he does it, and have to keep Scott from getting into his stuff while he’s doing it, and mediate their fights while he’s doing it, and doing it while not feeling well (I do it). Let him be the whole show in getting them to bed, with the tooth-brushing and trying to get himself ready while Scott bubbles over with energy and annoys Connor who then acts angrily in return and that’s gasoline on the flame, because Connor doesn’t have the perspective yet to figure out that he needs to not take the bait with Scott. And he has less effective skills than I do, so my hope is that he’ll have a chance to see just how difficult this is. I’m just hoping that these few days without me will help him to feel stretched to the point of insanity many times and that he’s getting a taste of it now. I guess what I’m REALLY hoping is that his experience is difficult and that he gains an appreciation of what it really means and costs me personally to be home with them at this particular stage in their lives—that he’ll be more understanding and more supportive. I just want him to see how depleting this all is and realize that he shouldn’t add to it. I just think he’s oblivious to what this takes. And I think consciously, or unconsciously, he believes it’s my job to do the things that he “doesn’t feel like” doing. I want him to see that this costs something. It’s very difficult to me to be expected to do something like it’s effortless for me. With no appreciation or understanding of just what’s being expected. He expects me to do the things he doesn’t feel like doing.
Anyway, so my leaving was to be able to have a bit of what I’d been expecting tonight. I’d rather have it in my own house with a beer, but this is a nice atmosphere in this teahouse, and so I substituted tea instead.
I spent a week with children sick at home, and then the weekend was more of the same—pretty much solo child care. Gary did take Connor to play basketball at a friends’ yesterday, but that left me with the more demanding child. Then he had most of the day alone at home today while I took the two of them. So, I’ve had it.
Well, it’s after 9:30, so I think maybe I will leave.
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