Sick kids
3/22/06
The streak continues. I sent both boys to school this morning and I probably shouldn’t have sent Connor…I definitely get a bad mother award. I so wanted the time to myself that I took the fact that he was fever-free and feeling well as him being good to go…but I did have a funny feeling about the way he looked around the eyes.
So I went and got him at school, and I’m ashamed to say that I feel my heart sinking inside knowing I’ve missed another 5 hour stretch of time to myself today, and most likely tomorrow. That feels selfish of me.
Later
Much later, it’s 11p.m. It’s upsetting how quickly I bottom out on kids. It’s not even like Connor was really that much trouble, today. It’s just that he wanted to talk about stuff on the Discovery channel, right as I was wanting to read some stuff. Still, it’s not good that I’m so begrudging of what they ask from me. Especially when they’re sick.
Scott’s been behaving so obnoxiously. But I shouldn’t be surprised; he’s doing it for attention. I’m not giving him enough positive attention so he seeks negative. If I were a better mother I’d be able to set aside everything and play with them, not feel reluctant about taking them places like the zoo; I’d be more adventurous about seeking out interesting and educational venues, I’d involve them in projects. I feel badly about how much and how often I want them to leave me alone, especially knowing that these are special years, especially Scott, when I have him at home. I hate knowing that these may be some of their better, more uncomplicated years, and I experience so much of it as a demand. It’s just too bad that so much of these years of their childhood I experience as depleting. It feels like I’m wasting them, these years I mean.
And it’s true that I begrudged today, and I’m probably going to need to keep him home tomorrow. I feel like I really needed to have this week solidly under my belt—be able to fully experience it, since I didn’t get it last week and haven’t for it seems like months. Gary will be taking the boys up to see his dad on Sunday and be gone for a few days; maybe that will help to make up for some of these last few weeks, but then my parents are going to come on April 1. And, sadly, I usually feel depleted by them, too. They leave on the 5th, Wed, and that will leave me with Scott for Thurs and Fri. Maybe afterward though I’ll get a few unbroken weeks of time where the kids are in school when they should be.
Scott had me up about 2 a.m. last night to get him some medication and then Connor came in about 4:45 and needed medication and attention.
He was so appreciative of me after I picked him up at school; kept saying that I was a good mother, and telling me what he likes about my mothering and telling me that he loves me. It makes me feel more ashamed of my selfishness.
03/24/06
A few minutes to write before going to pick up Scott. I should take Connor’s temperature, too; kept him home today.
I just listen to a week-old discussion on Dianne Rehm; the topic was strategy in Iraq.
They made a very persuasive argument about not precipitously withdrawing American troops. I’m leaning toward thinking that it was immoral for us to invade, horrible what is happening as a result, but it may be more immoral for us to pull out quickly. They made a persuasive case for how much depends on this government that is trying to form, but can’t come to any agreements even on who is to be prime minister—how a successful government is really the best hope for avoiding horrible alternatives. And really, how important to the interest of stability in the world economy this region, and the outcome of this invasion is.
People say that the prime reason cited for keeping the U.S. forces in right now, to prevent civil war, is not valid since there already IS a civil war going on and the presence of U.S. forces is doing nothing to prevent it—in fact, they’re trying to stay out of it. They’re certainly in a world of harm’s way, if all-out civil war broke out in a conflagration, went up like a roman candle that our troops are sitting right on top of. The men interviewed today, who included Wesley Clark, the general who had a run for the presidency in 2000 were in consensus that what fragile stability is there is completely due to the presence of US forces. A lot at stake.
3:15
Went and got Scott, with Connor, and then watched a lousy movie with them. Very predictable, clichéd story line. Still, I felt I should watch it with them; Connor really wanted to have a family movie.
I said it, right? That I kept Connor home again today; took him to the dr. to rule out strep. The cough persists, but he seems to be getting better and better.
I can see, with Connor 8, that things will get easier with 2 boys, once Scott’s a little older. It’s been a long time of hard, though.
I’m listening to a news segment about the “dirty wars” in Argentina: this is the 30 year anniversary since there was a military coup—30,000 people ‘disappeared’ and tortured, and killed. I wonder how many of those are still missing or dead. Question answered. 30,000 dead, in the seven years of military rule.
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