Happy
12/1/05
Awwwwww. No visit today—it’s after noon so I can be pretty sure he won’t be stopping by today. From what I’ve seen of him time gets away from him and he could easily have run out of time. And it’s ok, he doesn’t owe me anything. I have no claims on him. And besides, what really matters the most to me is that he expressed the intention to come by. He’s not done that in a long time; and even then it wasn’t something he initiated, really.
So interesting, the very different experience with him and away from him. It’s a good thing, to not be feeling at all libidinous, except in an occasional, fleeting “what if” kind of way, in his presence. But the energy of our interactions is very different from anything libidinous. There isn’t a sexual tension between us when we’re in each other’s company. That is, not from me, and I don’t detect anything from him either. Away, at home, I do let my imagination run wild.
Again, I’m not really sure these body feelings are really trustworthy. Just some middle-aged urgency.
Still, yesterday while waiting for the boys at the dentist’s office I looked at a magazine with the top 10 finalists of over-40 models. I don’t know if these were professional models, or just “regular women” who were in some sort of competition. These were very. beautiful. women. Wow. These are certainly women who are not out of the league of woman-as-threat. It gives me some hope for me. Maybe I can also glow with sexual energy that eclipses the lines in my face. And aging skin.
A little later:
It’s almost 1:00. I wonder how long it will be before I quit looking at this time to myself as sands slipping so quickly through the hourglass. It’s laughable, but true, that the dismay about the time slipping away nearly obscures my pleasure in having the house to myself. It’s so silly.
It’s good to have this time to just be home, even with no agenda—some empty time. It doesn’t bore me at all. If anything I feel a little anxious about some of the things I want to do, and how to fit them into the time I have left.
I want to articulate a background feeling, almost like a force of nature, that dominates my awareness. It’s a warmth of feeling and a pleasure in my own company. A lot of the daydreams I have are about warming that pleasure inside me. I feel its presence in those daydreams. I suppose that’s why daydreams about x are so compelling and are so enjoyable. Mainly because it brings awareness of that place inside—heightened awareness that feels nice. Where I feel just plain good about myself. I feel inside me as I write that a type of shame and desire to disown the fact of my feeling that way. Like it’s a shameful thing to be deriving pleasure of that sort (really, I guess it’s…happiness) of daydreaming. And seeing myself in situations where I’m at home and articulating well some of my thoughts and having them well-received—those dreams give me pleasure.
I guess it’s experiencing my “best self”, liking it, and being with others who like it.
I think a great deal of this conversation I’ve been having with myself about the reawakened sexuality that’s coincident with x is about defining for myself what kind of affair feels “moral”. I don’t have much moral imperative against my desire to seek outside affairs. I don’t really have a problem with that. But what I’ve been working out is what’s NOT ok. And I know for a fact that I don’t want to be someone’s “sin”, or downfall, or anything ruinous. I want whoever has sex with me to be someone who is free to choose to have sex, without becoming a betrayer. I don’t want to be a party to someone’s betrayal. So those are the standards I set for myself. And so that means x is absolutely off limits, for my own honor as well as for the sake of that married relationship. (Again, assuming/presuming any mutuality on his part)
I don’t know that I’d say that the pleasure I have in his company is my only pleasure. I have felt that way before, like when I was anticipating moving away from the neighborhood—that was part of what made for an anxious and uncomfortable frame of mind—the idea that I was getting my only pleasure from company with him. I think though his company IS a pleasure in my life—it is not the sole pleasure. I do feel a sense of self inside, and it seems some happiness can be emanating from it. My guess is that’s the “relationship with self” that Dr. Wright talked about at our last meeting. We’d acknowledged that depression in my case was somewhat of an artifact of my current life situation: (that’s when I’d said, “Yes, my primary relationship”—meaning with Gary—“is not working well.” That’s when she said, “Your primary relationship is with your SELF.” I would acknowledge that’s true…however I was thinking of my relationships with OTHER PEOPLE when I designated Gary as “my most important relationship”. That is, I was selecting from the category of “relationships with other people” when I said the one with Gary was primary—and considering my relationship with Self in a different category.)
So this Self that I’m in particularly tangible contact with right now at this moment—what relationship does it have to my daydreams where I can see myself in my best light and enjoy that. Is it the same to be picturing myself as younger-looking, and (probably smarter) as developing my relationship with my inner self. Yeah, it’s like having located something physical inside and nearly feeling it as a physical presence.
OK, I’ve been wanting to try to make some more headway on this book.
Later—had to go and get Scott. I’m really, really grateful that this morning’s snow falling didn’t mean school closure. It was good to have that time. Very good.
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