Thanksgiving
11/25/05
One month til Christmas; yuck. At least it won’t be here, and we won’t be hosting it. About the only way I could get Gary to leave here was to go to my folks’. I’d really rather go to Mexico or something, but it’s not to be. He’s too much of a traditionalist to “abandon” family at Christmas.
Got “familied” out yesterday, way too big a dose. Gary was the host; I did nothing yesterday except try to keep the kids amused (and the clean-up. I did all of that.). Problem is, a meal that was to have been ready at about 3 wasn’t on the table til about 6:30. Which really drew the day out, way too long. So with Darlene coming over at 1:30, and neither she nor Lew being particularly good with the kids, it meant enough time for them to get restless in. Me, too. I’d started a movie with the boys, and Gary wanted us to come upstairs, interrupting the movie. But it’s not like there would have been much to do upstairs with Gary working in the kitchen and both his parents coaching him and not having much to converse with the boys about. So I stayed downstairs with them, but feeling uneasy that it was being rude. Like I said, there was w-a-a-a-ay too much time on our hands. And I didn’t have much to say to Lew or Darlene either. I figured she was probably in 7th heaven being able to “help” Gary. She’s a “helper”. Makes her feel important.
I guess it’s true that I don’t have a good attitude. I don’t know if a “good” attitude would have made yesterday seem any better. There just isn’t a chemistry that makes it a pleasure to be with either of them, that would make it a truly convivial affair. We don’t produce that with each other, and I don’t think it’s my attitude alone that’s the factor in that.
So all in all, it took nearly 7 hours to produce yesterday’s meal, at least an hour’s clean-up, and for about 1/2 hour at the table. The boys were there about 10 minutes.
I don’t really “get” the subtext about Thanksgiving anyway, which is to stuff yourself to the gills with food that’s ok, not really great—the only thing that can really be said in its favor is that it’s traditional. But really, that’s sort of the national story about Thanksgiving—get way too stuffed; uncomfortably. Eat too much. There’s no pleasure in that for me.
Kind of an interesting sub-twist on x.
Later on the above. I just needed to give voice to the doubt that I’m not really a very nice person. Quake in my boots at the thought of a week home with the kids not in school. See this whole last sixth of the year as an ordeal to plod through. Not be able to be beyond courteous to Gary’s parents.
Hooray, though. His niece and her fiancé got sensible and decided to wait on getting married…a joint trip to Alaska with Gary’s mom was something looming over my head and feeling very yucky. So it appears that may be off the horizon for now; it was to be in August.
See? Not a very nice person.
11/26/05 4:10 a.m.
A month from today Christmas will be over. Something to look forward to—keep the eyes on the prize.
Some thoughts about Gary:
Basically, though I know that in general it is suspect to think that the responsibility for something going wrong lies entirely with someone else, I really think that the bulk of the responsibility for the state of our relationship does lie with him. I think this because of the objective fact that he is dysfunctional in the way that he communicates. He does not state clearly and respectfully what he wants, yet he’s surly and disrespectful when he then doesn’t get what he wants. He expects me to read his mind, and to be able to see things from his point of view—for example if he is facing one way, he’ll tell me to turn, say, right, from HIS orientation, even through “right” to me, from MY orientation may be different. And I don’t know if he means from MY orientation or from his, and so if I ask him he gets annoyed. And shows it. It is not reasonable. When he is angry he doesn’t deal with it with me in an adult way; instead he later gets revenge on me because he WAS angry; his goal is to WIN, not to resolve. His communication is dysfunctional because it alienates, and he won’t see the effects and consequences of that way of communicating—instead he BLAMES ME when I object to that way of communicating with me. And he won’t see it, and so he has no motivation to become a more functional communicator—that is, one who can resolve conflict instead of create more of it.
He is also unrealistic in what he wants. He wanted me to have the boys upstairs to be with his parents in this unrealistic vision of the boys upstairs being angels and his parents having grandparently interactions with them. What he failed to see is that the grandparents have very little basis to be able to have a comfortable and unstilted interaction with them—it wouldn’t have worked because the boys wanted to be somewhere else; it wouldn’t have worked because Darlene and Lew don’t have much to say to them; it wouldn’t have worked because they were busy “helping” Gary in the kitchen anyway and there really wasn’t room for them to be up there in the kitchen too with all that going on. He wanted Norman Rockwell. Well, his parents aren’t Norman Rockwell people. In fact, I think they’re both very self-centered and that keeps them from being the kind of grandparents that kids want to be around.
Now, going to try to get back to bed.
Here’s what I want: my wish for the new year:
I want to find a suitable person to have an affair with. Perhaps a long running, over years affair. Maybe I’ll change my mind later and want more than one sexual partner, but for now I’d be happy with just one, and long running. Not marriage, just sex. By suitable I mean someone who won’t be betraying another commitment and being dishonorable in order to have sex with me…and someone I like a lot and laugh with and the chemistry is good. Sort of the equivalent of a “mistress”; I don’t think there is any male equivalent to that in our culture or language.
Leave a Reply