Birthday (49), Entering my 50th year
10/26/05
I woke at around 3:30, and then couldn’t get back to sleep. Had a great night last night with Marsh, Katie, and Wendy, and they were very kind to me about celebrating my birthday, even though I’ve not been very good about remembering theirs this past year. So I plan to be more participatory.
I got up so I could run a conversation and just see where it might go. I am pretty blind this way in that I can only think so far ahead and then I’m blind. So I can’t really explore possible avenues, or even whether or not a possible conversation is a good one to pursue or not. I’m not good at chess either; I just think a step or 2 in front of where I am and then it’s too complicated for me to conceive of possible avenues. And I really can’t think well without tracking it on paper.
So, I realize that there’s an opportunity for a conversation with x in the brief exchange with his wife as she was leaving. I’ve been having it, in a way in my head, but I can’t get very far and just thought I’d try running it.
I suppose I want to have this conversation because it’s running in my mind, and because there is something about this situation of me liking him (and him seeming to like me) and this desire I have to spend time with him that causes some sort of physiological change in me that feels like a tension that I want to resolve. 1st avenue that runs from there is that I feel a little funny about “taking this so seriously”. Or “overanalyzing this”. So from the git-go I feel a little unsure of how he would even receive such a conversation. (Then a little side thing. It’s only about 4:30 and for some reason Gary gets up. And he’s feeling chatty. Which keeps interrupting my train of thought which was the reason I got up in the first place. So when he asked me about what Scott’s Halloween costume is going to be I asked him if we could please talk about it another time because there’s some stuff I’m trying to think about. So he shuts down, visibly deflates, and says, “ok, I’ll shut up.” Like I’ve injured him. The thing is, I don’t know how many times he’s been downright unfriendly in the morning when I want to talk to him and he’s reading the paper. And he’s not nearly so pleasant as I was to him. He doesn’t seem to compute that there’s an equivalency here with his wanting to read uninterrupted and me in this case not being available. And, he’s not nearly as pleasant about claiming that time for himself as I was just now. And, I really don’t think that the next time HE’S wanting to read something and I’m interrupting him, that he’ll think to remember just how it feels to want someone’s time or attention for a minute and have them unavailable. And to maybe be a little nicer about it. It doesn’t seem to matter how kindly I put it. Just the fact of me being unavailable in a moment that he wants my availability is an affront to him and he resents it; and doesn’t see the contradiction to how he treats me when he wants MY availability. And to even say this to him is to be shut out, because more than a few words annoys him.)
OK, back to running my conversation. Sometimes the path seems so clear; then it gets muddy and obscured. But the way it starts I kind of imagine like this:
“The other night when I said goodbye to your wife, I encouraged her to come and visit, and she said, ‘well, we should. You visit x.’ And it might have been nothing, but it stood out to me in a way; I hope it’s not causing any awkwardness between the two of you that I come visit?
It just reminded me of times before I was married when I would often be participating in activities where I was the only or one of a few women with a lot of men; many of whom were married to women who didn’t participate. And sometimes there was tension about that, especially if we’d all be together and I wouldn’t be interested in doing the cooking or just hanging and talking with the women; I preferred to be doing something active and that often meant with the men. Eventually those circles of friends and activities brought me to Gary and even after getting married I was one of the few women involved in trips and stuff, and I had a lot of male friends. Sometimes inherent in male-female friendships there’s a sort of hint of potential attraction that is different from woman-woman friendships that for me enhanced the friendship, and I was good at being friends without getting sidetracked down that potential path. Then when we moved to St. Louis, the people I was meeting and forming friendships with were ALL in the context of being a parent (whereas my parenting friends in Portland were just one of the circles of friendships), and most of my friendships were with women. And I got a little out of the practice of having male friends. And I forgot about the tricky dynamics that might involve spouses.
So we move back, and find friendship with you. And it’s different, because much as I like our other neighbors, I get more pleasure out of spending time talking with you. So I stop and see you, where I’m not dropping by y, or z, or b’s house. And I realize, back from my days as a single woman, that there were often some feelings from the women involved—that my friendships with their men involved the feelings of other people, and sometimes it was uncomfortable. So your wife’s remark reminded me of that.
A strange little side path in this is that back before I was married part of this discomfort was knowing that there were some ways that a single woman posed a perceived “threat”. And for me to consider that your wife might be thinking that is a little strange for me, because I fear I might be flattering myself to think of myself in that ‘category’. It’s like what you said about the mardi gras beads…that when you get to a certain age people encourage you to keep your clothes ON—at a certain age (and chances are that others will know it before I do) you’ve moved beyond the category of being a potential threat. And I’m not sure if I’ve already moved past that.
So, anyway, I hope…that my visits aren’t causing you and your wife trouble…while at the same time I harbor a hope that maybe I haven’t quite yet moved out of the category where I COULD!”
So there’s my imaginary conversation. And I suppose I need to ask myself what the purpose of having it would be, and I’d say to resolve a tension that may be generated when a woman visits a man who is not her husband and he is married. The risk I take of course is feeling silly for being obvious about putting this much thought into it when maybe he’s put none…what that reveals about me. Another risk is in not expressing myself clearly enough to keep it from getting awkward and making us both uncomfortable.
Later
Well, I just returned from x’s. It was a nice visit. I didn’t bring up anything about the “appearance of impropriety”.
He’s told me before about a website where you can represent yourself with a persona called an “avatar” and move about in this fantasy world. Literally it IS a second life. Today he’d just gotten on it, and so I sat down and watched as he maneuvered HIS avatar through the site. The first time he showed me he was fairly new to it, and wandered his character around. Zoomed in on some features that contained representations of various bodies, female, in various stages of undress. Today was the same; he mentioned that there are some “prurient” areas, and proceeded to take his avatar to some. It wasn’t anything he dwelt on, and he didn’t highlight the more graphic representations, though you could tell that it was a penis that had penetrated a vagina by the blurry image.
It’s interesting to contemplate going into Second Life as an avatar—the possibilities of a true fantasy life. It kind of blows my mind to consider the things it would mean. To be able to really act on one’s fantasies and act them out in a surprisingly realistic format and with participation of other people who have avatars also populating the place.
For myself, I can’t distance myself (when I try to imagine it in my mind) from the persona I’d create; that fantasy or not it is me creating it, and therefore it is me that people see. It makes me feel a little weird to think of what I’m saying about myself in how I dress my avatar and the demeanor it has.
So, watching x, I couldn’t help but wonder what about himself he is communicating in the way his avatar is dressed (no longer in jeans and the newbie white shirt, but in a caftan; very dramatic black with contrasting gold sleeves and collar; white hair and goatee.
It is clear about him that he does think quite a bit about sex, because he mentions it a lot. Even outside chatting with some other neighbors, he made a comment about a mean neighbor that she needed to “get laid more”. We all laughed, especially since there was some confusion as to whether he meant another neighbor who is somewhat elderly. We all kind of riffed on that joke and the humorous situation that followed. I felt good about today’s visit. That’s sort of the bottom line. I enjoyed his company; he seemed to enjoy mine. Good visit.
I just sort of resolved to myself that I would see if any opportunities opened up where it would make sense to have the conversation I was imagining this morning. That I’d wait until it felt very clearly like a good place to initiate it anyway, and that I’d refrain if none showed up. There was one time when it seemed there was a portal into the subject; I’m trying to remember what it was…but it faded quickly and would have had to be inserted if I really wanted to pursue it. I’d resolved to not do it that way, which would seem to risk the likelihood of an uncomfortable conversation. I suppose the bit of allusions to sex we have; more so today than last time, may be an indication that he feels comfortable with me, “one of the guys”. I think I’m just going to go on that assumption: that his treatment of me is no different from any of the other neighbors, that he loves his wife and has pledged sexual loyalty to her, and that there is no sexual energy between us. Sort of stepping into that perspective, it no longer seems odd that his wife mentioned my visiting him. I’ve been having this image that maybe her radar is up because she knows I’ve been coming over, and maybe has even mentioned it to x. But it’s very possible that the 2 of them have a solid trust in each other’s behavior and know that they wouldn’t do anything that would cause pain to the other, if found out. And in that case, her mentioning my visiting him was nothing more than suggesting they reciprocate. (It’s possible, I guess, for me to read into x talking about sexual situations (in fiction, or in second life—not involving him-&-me in any way) as a sort of overture, but when I think about it, it seems that would be reading too much into it. Unless something explicit is said, I am going to assume this.) Considering that possibility certainly changes a lot of things in how I feel inside. It changes my whole world view, from slightly anxious, to more optimistic.
I have a whole lot of questions: about 2nd Life, I mean. X explained to me that while people do have sex in this “world”, that all the avatars are devoid of sex organs and that you have to buy them. Male and female. So that sets off a whole raft of questions: why bother buying sexual organs—what value do they have? I mean, it doesn’t make any difference to the AVATARS whether they are rubbing smooth crotches together, or actually simulating real penis-penetrating-vagina sex. So what’s the purpose of buying them. Why do you “arrive” without them? The fact that you buy them seems to suggest that they’d be insensate anyway, even from the point of worldview of second life’s. THEN how does it work with the gestures? Do you have to buy sexual gestures, too? Like is there a gesture of a penis becoming erect that you have to “buy” in order to use with your new penis? Is there a whole category of sexual behaviors gestures that you can buy? What are the HIS ethics about having sex with one of the avatars? Actually, that one’s probably none of my business. Basically it would be asking him if he’s having sex (or his avatar is) in that world, and that’s too personal a question. But maybe just a more general discussion about the philosophical connotations of this world and where it falls on the ethical continuum for your avatar to have sex with another. That is interesting to think about. And seems like would be an interesting conversation on its own merits. Really, in a fantasy world, is it really different from private in-your-head fantasies to extend it to your avatar being sexual? Yet, it’s not just in-your-head; you are interacting with another human being. Maybe that’s like phone sex, except you’re acting through the intermediaries of the avatars.
It seems like there’s lots of possibilities for movie and or book plots with second life as a kind of central pole.
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