Connor started back to school yesterday. Up until about a week ago I’d thought that Scott started back yesterday, too, since the charter school largely follows the rest of the public school system. But no, he doesn’t start til Monday. Too bad for me, because I was hanging my hat on yesterday and these past 2 days have seemed nearly as long as the entire summer.
And I feel badly about feeling that way about my kids…about begrudging Scott the time that he wants me to play with him, or read to him, and give him the attention that he’s trying to get through annoying behaviors. He really is just a little jewel, and I feel badly that I don’t do the time alone with him better than I do. I regret this about my mothering the past 2 years…I’ve just not been a good mother when it comes to being fun for them and enjoying them more. I’m just not terribly motivated. Then this move, the second one in 11mo is just not child-friendly anyway, since my mind is elsewhere, and I’m often irritable. I’ve been thinking of myself as not a good mother, wondering if I’m having a “midlife crisis” which may partially explain some frisky feelings I’ve been having.
9/09/05
Which is something I’ll elaborate on now simply because it gives me pleasure. I’m savoring the pleasure of being attracted to someone. It really does feel surprisingly nice. Surprising because it’s completely one-sided, with no desire to verify if it’s mutual. Just to feel attracted is enough. It gives me pleasure to think of seeing him at a party, or in a situation where we can have a bit of a conversation. We converse well together, meaning it’s a pleasure to talk to him. I see in myself that I want to think that he has a sparkle for me, too, but I’m fully aware that it’s probably merely a projection of mine. And that’s fine…just a little harmless way to entertain myself by playing some movies on his screen, but only to me. Since I’m married and he’s married that’s most likely how it’s going to be.
And I know this is silly middle-aged stuff. A midlife crisis of sorts…why should I be exempt from something I hear is fairly common (though it’s less spoken of in women than in men). I guess it’s a sort of a last gasp of flaming out sexuality. Gosh, can women still be sexy and carry a powerful appeal, even in their sixties, seventies?
I suppose that’s the fantasy I’m playing, that despite the obvious fact that I’m no longer at all young, and show it, that there’s a thread of attraction and attractiveness that can transcend the outward trappings. So that, maybe there’s a certain vitality to me that reaches beneath the usual attractions of youth that also has strong appeal.
I guess, is that the pleasure source, just knowing I’m appealing? Or is it because when I’m having that fantasy that I feel connected to that sexual core, and I like it a lot.
I’ve been continuing the schedule of taking the Wellbutrin all 3 in the morning. I guess I do have to admit that though I do appreciate that feeling of stimulation, that I’m still not really enjoying that “seeking sense” that Temple Grandin talked about. I want to think more about whether the presence of that “seeking sense” is what I’m seeing as the object of the anti-depressants, and some sort of personal definition of happiness. The reason I brought up the wellbutrin was a cynical feeling of that being the source of feeling that sexual core.
I think a little ahead, though, and feel sad that soon when we move I won’t be seeing him, much at first, and probably not at all pretty quickly. Because, without being neighbors, there isn’t much legitimate reason to see him. Somehow I feel really aversive to the notion of replacing this little diversion with someone who may have children in Connor’s school—I feel sad because it seems that therefore this little awakening may be snuffed.
It’s just been nice to smile and laugh with him. It’s been nice to feel in myself attraction to someone. And to imagine for a bit that the smile he smiles at me and the laugh that he laughs with me is a bit of a return of that attraction. And I have fantasies where we reveal this to each other and laugh in delight about that. Then I think I’m silly, that I probably look older than I look and he’d feel just embarrassed to know this. And that it’s definitely all one-sided, a little fiction in my mind.
So my fantasy would be that his wife wouldn’t mind (that silliness defies words)…that she too has open relationships and so that would open a door. And I have fantasy scenarios about how that would take place.
I am very careful to treat him only as I would a friend and neighbor. I rarely call him in the day. I like his wife. There’s a certain edginess to her that I appreciate.
So that’s what this was all about—I just wanted to write about something that puts a light in my eye. And acknowledge their silliness and…accept that this is who I am…along with the fact that I’m drawn to what is bittersweet. I’ve responded to that all my life.
Now I want to catch up with some news. I…I…ah, gee. It stops my words, thinking about the fact that a category 4 hurricane hit the gulf coast…thousands of poor stranded and then the emergency agencies’ failure to come through for these people. New Orleans destroyed as a city, and the man-made factors that made the effects of the hurricane far worse than they might have been. The fact that most of the pictures coming out of this are of black, desperately poor people and the fact that this seems to be starting a maybe serious conversation about the continuing racial inequities –and class inequities. Horrible things have been found to happen, like abandoned nursing homes with elderly who are unable to move unassisted lying in their own shit…and having been since LAST MONDAY and only being discovered in the past few days. So they were alone for nearly 10 days. To me what seems to possibly be happening is this whole thing, the outrage about the federal slowness to respond, the fact that Bush went to a fundraiser the day after the hurricane while at the same time things were becoming absolutely desperate in New Orleans, then the defensiveness of the Bush administration, then their attempts to put a different spin on their defensiveness, while it comes out that the man that Bush appointed to be the head of FEMA, the federal emergency response agency, has false credentials on his resume and wasn’t even experienced to begin with in emergency response—all this is unfolding before the American people, and I wonder if it’s finally making people see the glaring holes in the Bush administration. 51% of the American people ignored those holes before the election, but it’s possible that this is so blatant that they can no longer be ignored. Perhaps the scales will fall off people’s eyes at last. And having appointed someone who was inexperienced at best and a liar at worst, who then misstepped when the disaster happened which may in itself result in many deaths—needless deaths—I don’t know how the administration can stand up to the fact that the whole nation is seeing this. I think they should impeach Bush for lying to get our country to invade Iraq. Oh. That means Cheney would be President and that may be worse.
Ok, now I mean it—I need to catch up with what I’ve missed in the news today.
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